Month: December 2021

I am really appreciating this week between Christmas and New Year's as a time of introspection. I think I finally feel ready to leave 2021 behind. I wasn't before, as it felt like a tether to Kendall I wasn't yet willing to sever. I'm finding myself more and more looking forward to the future, though, rather than constantly feeling trapped in the past (but still learning from…

I read recently that there is no goal setting with grief. That's certainly been my experience thus far. No universal guidebook, no real predictability. It's been a difficult thing to accept for someone who has always been goal driven, project-oriented, or used to working really hard and then accomplishing whatever she set out to do. Giving up any illusion of control is uncomfortable on many levels. So,…

Sorry to have left things on a bit of a downer with that last post. I've been sick the past two weeks. No, not COVID. It snuck up on me gradually, starting out as what I thought was an asthma cough, then settling into my chest and deciding to eventually take a turn toward pneumonia (but caught early, thank heavens). Don't worry, I'm fine, and feeling very…

Navigating widowhood has been an absolute dichotomy of emotions. The loneliness that is always present, even when I seem to genuinely smile or am surrounded by friends. The sadness that doesn't ever leave me, even during the times I also feel joy (such a strange combination). The indescribable ache that is with me constantly, even amidst the feelings of gratitude and hope that also permeate my days.…

Lately my leisure wear of choice is what I would refer to as "Widow Snark." Wearing it feels like a kind of shield, offering an excuse to the world of why I am so often only barely holding it together. A pass of sorts, a defense mechanism. OK, and I also just think it's funny. (Although for some reason, most people don't think my shirt that says,…