Month: March 2022

After so many hard "anniversaries" I've gone through these past months, I'm pleased to say that remembering Kenny's funeral from exactly a year ago really does not feel hard today. Yes, that was an emotional day. Of course it was. But more than anything it was so wonderful to be able to share and celebrate his life, and to (finally!) connect with family and friends. I know…

I really didn't know what to expect or prepare for after I (we) passed that one year anniversary. After the grueling work of these past weeks and months, would there be an inevitable "crashing" immediately afterward or some sort of let down when the 25th wasn't suddenly and magically different? Now granted, I realize I am not VERY far past March 24th at all, and I absolutely…

I know, that sounded a bit pessimistic. I'm not really thinking about my life as some sort of drudgery or something I merely have to "get through" somehow. I do sincerely love living, love this life of mine I get to experience, even with the hard parts. But today has felt both like it has been such a long time since March 24, 2021, that a lifetime…

I'm going to preface this post by admitting that I am in a weird headspace right now, which will likely color what I end up saying. But I'm banking on that whole "admitting something on Meal Train makes it feel not quite so hard" pattern I have going on here, as well as the therapeutic value I find in writing out the things that are in my…

I am not a soda drinker. My guilty pleasure(s) would never come from Sodalicious or Swig. While there were several times during Kendall's illness that I was tempted to turn to some sort of highly caffeinated beverage to keep me going, especially during those exhausting daily drives to and from the hospital, I knew that if I started down that road it would be hard to stop.…

It's been no secret that I have been spending a lot of time recently revisiting (maybe even reliving a bit), processing, and learning from the past. As we draw closer to this "climax" of the anniversary of Kendall's death next week, I have been thinking more about the experience as a whole. What overall lessons were there? In what ways was the Lord's hand evident throughout all…

All day I have been asking myself, why has today felt so hard and emotional, when a year ago it was actually a relatively "good" day at the hospital? The first one Kendall had had since being in the ICU, in fact. Shouldn't it feel good to be remembering how hopeful that day was? Kendall was off the ventilator, had actually WALKED a few steps (with a…

This picture was taken a few weeks ago after an especially hard crying session. When I look at that photo now, I can't help feeling a sort of pride for how far I know I have come throughout this journey, especially recently. I have wanted all along to be "strong," yet still had so many nights feeling alone with my pain that I tried to hide the…

Lots of different thoughts a swirlin' here. Shall we see where they lead? You know, I really am a fundamentally happy, optimistic, hopeful person by nature (especially without the interference of anxiety or depression), even amidst the grief and trauma responses I've been working through this past year. I really do love life, even with all of the demands and exhaustion and challenges there have been. Truly,…

I've mentioned a few times how shy or reserved I used to be. While there's no question I am more outgoing and self-confident than I was as a child, I think a more accurate description would be that I have always been an extrovert, just one who used to have really bad social anxiety. I have ALWAYS needed interactions and connections with other people to help me…