“When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
“It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul…
“And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
“It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul
“‘Cause of You, Jesus, it is well
“It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul.”
-Horatio Spafford
Seeking some peace as my soul has felt heavy tonight. And weary. I had convinced myself (or at least wanted SO badly to believe) that all of the trauma work and processing I did last year between August and March meant that I could permanently put some things behind me, not be held hostage again by constant triggers and terrors, could continue to feel like I was moving forward. While I do think that the intensive work I did over the last year is why I have been able to keep functioning at all, I’m finding that it’s not that simple. There isn’t any sort of timeline for all of this. Yes, I know that I am overall in a better place than I was a year ago. Absolutely. Things won’t be exactly the same this year. It’s just so complicated with new traumas and trials that keep coming at me at a rate I simply never experienced before two years ago, the new losses that continue to pile on top of me.
Yesterday marked 18 months. Funny how even when I don’t consciously think about it, my body seems to still mark the 24th of each month. And at least for now those six month increments do seem to matter more. For some reason 18 months seems significantly longer than 15 or 17, feels like there has been so much of life that has continued on without our family feeling fully intact. And I can already tell that October is still going to be hard, so many awful events tied up in that month in 2020. Then bracing to go through the holiday seasons without Mom here, the one person who helped make them bearable last year, unsure now which traditions I should try to take over knowing that I am a very poor substitute for all she did…
It can be easy to get sucked down into a negative spiral, especially this time of year with the season change and we head into the cold and the dark. To allow my emotions to overwhelm me or to believe the harmful self talk my brain sometimes tries to feed me. There are times I wish I could simply hide away from the weight of it all, be allowed to “check out” for a bit, get a break from feeling like I’m always living in crisis or survival mode. I know that’s not really true. I have come a long way in the past 18 months, and the ways I am being stretched now will continue to propel me on that overall upward progression. I’m determined that will be the case. Life is full of wonderful moments, of loving connections, of triumphs and miracles and blessings. Just because it requires intentional effort each and every day to remind myself of that does not negate those truths.
So much boils down to choice. I still choose to focus on gratitude, because there is much to be grateful for. Isn’t that a gorgeous view from the cabin where we stayed in Eden last weekend? That whole place simply exudes peace. I want to take that peace with me as I live through another fall and winter that is feeling foreboding. Deep breath (or five), Suzanne, you’ve got this.
