As a solo parent and with the long list of responsibilities that role entails (not to mention all those new crises that continue to pop up), I am aware that I’m often not very far away from burnout. My personality doesn’t help with that, either, as I like to push myself and tackle new challenges head on (well, usually). I haven’t always been good about saying no to things, or I have tried to take on way too much. I have never liked admitting that I can’t do something, would rather buckle down and work harder – I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. Then, living with chronic pain, I’ve (unfortunately) learned over the years to not always pay attention to my body’s pain signals or indications that I’m pushing myself harder or further than I perhaps should. It’s something I’ve had to be very mindful about the past two years, knowing that my kids need me to be there and present as their mom, to provide temporally for them. If I crash, physically and/or emotionally, I won’t be able to do either effectively. It’s even scarier now knowing I don’t have my mom as “backup.”
So I’m learning how important it is for me to identify and implement things that help me to recharge and not reach burnout status. This may sound silly, maybe even counter-intuitive, but it’s sometimes exhausting how much effort it can take to be doing self care, to not let that be the thing that I “let go.” To be constantly checking in and assessing how I’m doing emotionally and physically. It’s imperative that I do, though, much more than it used to be (although of course it was always important). If I don’t stay on top of it then I know I simply won’t be OK, WON’T be able to handle all of the things on my plate. I can tell that I’ve made progress with this, though, especially in comparing how much more gentle I’ve been with myself this time around with grief than I was last year. And not dealing with so many trauma responses has also made a WORLD of difference in my ability to embrace where I’m at and be able to stay on top of self care.
I’ve talked about this before, but being around people is an absolutely vital part of my self care. Being with people really does recharge me in a way that nothing else seems to. I didn’t used to go places away from my family overnight very often. There were times that Kenny and I did together, of course. I also attended a professional conference once for a week, and I had done two girl’s weekends before. Coming out of the pandemic, though, and since Kendall’s passing I have found that I really do need to get away sometimes. I need time to connect with friends and fill my cup, to have a short break from constantly being “on” as Mom and with work, and this past year it has also helped me with my emotional and trauma processing and healing.
I had a 3-4 days girls’ trip planned with some college friends the week that my mom ended up passing. We had people flying in from different parts of the country, and one friend in particular I had not seen in person for several years. We were all originally going to be staying up in Eden, but for a few reasons everyone made the decision to move things down to Utah County, where they would then be close to me and whatever was going to happen in those few days. Depending on how things went with my mom we figured I even might be able to participate in some of the activities. One of my friends asked me if I was disappointed in the timing of everything, that we weren’t able to have the retreat we had originally planned. I felt badly for the others, but for me the timing did not seem at all like a coincidence. Heavenly Father knew what I was going to need. Mere hours after my mom had died I was able to be surrounded by and loved and supported by friends. They whisked me away and let me verbally process through what had happened, cry (oh so much), as well as get to focus on things OTHER than the fact that I had lost my mother. It didn’t have to all be about me, either, as we talked about things going on in everyone’s lives. It was exactly what I needed.
I also got to take a stroll down memory lane with those friends, which I especially loved after having recently revisited so many memories from college through letters, journals, and tapes. We ate in Cannon Commons (formerly known as the Cannon Center), went up on campus, and even visited Hinckley Hall where we had all been freshmen together. So many wonderful, wonderful memories from that time. I really loved my college experience, and the dear friendships that were forged then. There’s something special about the connections that were created during such a formative time in our lives, when we were all trying on adulthood for size and making such huge life decisions.
I was able to spend just over two days with those friends. One friend actually came and slept overnight at my house so I wouldn’t be alone through that first difficult night back from my parents’ home. She even got up and made my kids breakfast the next morning. Once again I am reminded of what incredible friends I have in my life. And then by Monday, after my recharging girls’ weekend, I was ready to tackle arrangements and funeral plans and being fully “on” as Mom for my kids. It continually amazes me to observe how often people are placed in my path just when I need them. I can’t imagine having gotten through the past two years without the people in my life.
