We’re Hanging in There

Do I really have writer’s block here? There are plenty of things floating around in my head, and certainly several recent events about which I could update y’all. But I’ve been staring blankly at this screen for a bit now. I’m having trouble getting started, or trying to think of any sort of “theme” or overall message to focus my writing. Blehhhhhhhhhhh………

I would like things to have an overall positive tone with this post. I’ve been participating in a “25 for 5” challenge, where for five days I write out 25 things I am thankful for. 12 of them are allowed to be “easy” things like family, friends, health, etc. (although try to be a bit more specific than that), but at least 13 have to be things I am thankful for about the hard, those circumstances that are currently difficult in my life. I’ve been surprised at how challenging this has been! Of course, I do have a general gratitude journal, and I didn’t want to repeat anything I had written before. But still, I didn’t expect this exercise to make me have to really think and dig deep like it has.

So what am I grateful for with the difficult things that have happened lately? My oldest child had surgery yesterday, which was complicated with many of her conditions. I suppose the obvious is that I am thankful we have access to such good healthcare, that we now have good insurance so her medical needs will not medically bankrupt us (I spent much more on her medical bills than Kenny’s last year, not even a close comparison). And we’re all grateful to have said good-bye to that NJ tube!

Yesterday was incredibly difficult for me, though. It’s hard to see your child in a lot of pain and be helpless to make it better. We have been in hospitals several times these past two years, but this was by far the most triggering experience for me concerning her. Maybe it was because I’ve already been on the fragile side lately with my emotions (I’ve felt pretty battered). Maybe it had to do with the anniversary of everything that happened exactly two years ago on that date. Or maybe it was because I was faced with some medical things I hadn’t been since being in the hospital with Kenny.

Of course having a loved one be intubated brought up some things for me, even knowing that this time was quite different, not the same kind of life or death measure. But then there were some things that really caught me off guard, like helping to put the compression bands on her legs (I did that each day for Kenny, and it caused him a lot of pain when it had to be done) and the Bair hugger, of all things. I helped manage that for Kendall and I was flooded with so many memories when they hooked that up for her. I actually started to cry and couldn’t stop. It was awful. After that the smells, the drip of the IV, startling when the alarm on her machine kept sounding at strange and unpredictable intervals (her pulse kept going really high with the pain). Then being left alone in the room while she was wheeled out for the surgery, sitting there completely alone and once again feeling trapped with not being able to leave a hospital room (I know I probably could have if I’d needed to, wasn’t the same as at Huntsman when I literally could not for days and weeks and months, but there were still some of those claustrophobic feelings all the same). Fighting to keep calm when the surgery lasted longer than they had anticipated and I still did not have news. Well, you get it, there were several things that felt triggering for me being there.

So what do I find to be thankful for with all of that? I thought about it at the hospital and later at home. Truthfully, I feel grateful for that fact right there, that I’m able to look for those small blessings or “silver linings” even during (or shortly thereafter) the hard moments. I was grateful for attentive nurses and other medical staff who noticed I was struggling and went out of their way to help me with things like snacks, soda, tissues, even bringing in some aromatherapy for me so the room didn’t smell so “hospital-y.” And I really didn’t completely lose it. I was able to breathe through things and be there for my child when she needed me. Even the day her surgery was scheduled ended up being a blessing, as I don’t see clients on Fridays and we’ve now had the weekend where I’m available to constantly monitor.

I’m grateful that the timing worked out exactly that my other daughter could run home to help me get her sister out of the car, into the house, and down the stairs to where she needed to be. I’m grateful that we already own some of the medical equipment we need to help with this recovery period. I’m grateful that a nurse was able to come to our home that evening to instruct us on using the GJ tube, wound care, etc. That’s the first time I’ve had help like that with my sick loved one, that it hasn’t all fallen on me to need to “figure it out.” I’m grateful for family who took and entertained (distracted) my two youngest children that afternoon and early evening. I’m grateful for a video call from New Zealand when a Marco Polo from me indicated I was having a hard time. I’m grateful for the neighbor who was able to come into my home during the surgery to wash and change some sheets and bedding so everything was sanitary and ready for when we got home. I’m grateful for the couple that reached out and then brought our family dinner. I’m grateful for the friend who came and took me for my first spa facial today, allowing me an hour to relax after a hard night (hard several weeks, really). I hadn’t realized I was holding so much tension in my body! I’m grateful for the friends who have messaged me to check in on my daughter and on me. I’m grateful for the prayers that have been offered in our family’s behalf. I’m grateful that the pain was slightly better today and we were able to get up and walk a bit. I could keep going here, but you get the idea.

I’d like to be able to say that should be our last surgery, our last trip in to a hospital, but we know that won’t be the case. Just this past week we got a completely different diagnosis that helps explain why this child has been struggling to walk. (This poor kid! Not exactly how we had envisioned her senior year of high school.) It’s good to be getting some answers, but it does mean that we are likely looking at a much bigger surgery in our future, one with an expected three month recovery period. We’ll know more after we meet with a specialist. Even that is something to be grateful for, though. We need to meet with a hip preservationist, and up until recently the only one in the state was up at the University of Utah (which my insurance does not cover). There is now one at the hospital in our city (which is covered), and we were able to get an appointment with him on the 21st of this month. That’s nearly unheard of.

Just writing this all out has brought so many other “grateful for”s to my mind. And I do feel less “blocked” than I did when I started. Love how that happens, the power of gratitude to lift my mood and make things seem so much more manageable. Know what else I’m grateful for right now, though? That it’s time for me to get some sleep! Night!