I’ve mentioned that I have always been a “do-er.” (Pretty obvious if you have ever met me.) I can make things happen, and have usually been driven to do so. Hand in hand with that, though, I could probably also have been classified as a “fix-er.” Kenny and I used to laugh at the stereotype that men are always trying to find solutions to things, because in our marriage it was the exact opposite. He was the one who was such a good listener, would listen to my or our children’s problems without jumping in with suggestions. Not a natural strength of mine, as typically my brain would instantly leap ahead to ways I thought I could help, or suggestions of next steps or things we (or they) could DO. I know, not usually what people need (although that trait has helped me as a therapist, being able to quickly identify problems and potential solutions). There’s such beauty in a person’s ability to just sit and be with someone, no judgement, no agenda. I imagine it is how the Savior interacted with those around him.
I know I’ve gotten better at this, even if it’s sometimes still hard for me to not want to help “fix” someone’s problems, or immediately share something I hope would help. I do think that can be appropriate at times. There may be things from my life experiences that could genuinely help someone else, if they welcome that input. But I have also come to value the fact that I have so much more capacity to simply sit with someone, to maybe not understand exactly what they are going through, but to relate to their pain. I can now sit and be, listen, and cry with someone else, without having to have all the answers for them. As one friend pointed out to me this week, it is clear to those around me that I am less of a perfectionist than I used to be. Umm, we’ll consider that a good thing, right? (Not just evidence that my standards have so clearly lowered in many areas of my life? Haha!)
I do think that no longer being clinically anxious plays a role in that as well. I am not constantly worried about things in the same way I used to be, but I also no longer have the same deep seated need to always be doing, doing, going, going, going. I am perfectly content, at times, to just BE. Although don’t get me wrong, I am still busy and incredibly motivated to be working on and improving things, and I always have a ton of ideas about things I hope to accomplish or what the next “projects” are I want to do. It’s just the urgent compulsion isn’t the same. I feel much more patient with the process, OK if things may take years or even decades, or perhaps won’t be accomplished until after this life. Little by little I’ll keep working toward my goals, while (hopefully) still allowing myself, and others, grace.