It didn’t take Kenny dying for me to realize that we were a good team, and I never once doubted that he loved me and our family. Even so, I do have a greater appreciation now for how very involved and supportive Kenny was at home for me and our family, just how much he did for us/me. I feel it every day what a poor substitute one alone is for two. Kenny was a great example of quietly serving, seeing a need and filling it, without making any sort of fanfare or wanting recognition. If I asked for help with something he would jump right in and not complain. We really did share the load of parenting, of housework, of managing our family and our relationship. Perhaps passing that two year anniversary has made me especially nostalgic lately about this.
Over the past few weeks I have read through the entire texting history between Kenny and myself, something I had never done before. In doing so quite a few things stood out to me:
-There was not a single text from either of us that was unkind, complaining, impatient, or at all upset with one another. (Frustrated with something kid-related or some other situation, sure, but never directed at the other spouse.) Not one.
-We texted an awful lot. Kenny would leave really early for work and he’d text me to see how the morning had gone, or during the winter he’d let me know he’d made it to work safely so I wouldn’t worry. I’d update him on things happening throughout the day, and he’d typically ask me when he was leaving work if I needed him to pick up anything, or to confirm if he was picking up kids, what needed to be done with dinner, etc. We checked in with each other regularly.
-We often said I love you to each other, or that we missed or was thinking about the other person during the day. Such a treasure to have those declarations preserved now.
-We did a good job co-parenting. I was surprised to see that I handled some parenting things a lot better than I’d remembered or been giving myself credit for (I’d describe for Kenny something hard that had happened with one of our kids, and how I had responded). Kenny was very patient with a lot of tough things with the kids. And much discussion about our youngest and her nap status! (He sent me a decent number of pictures of her conked out against him or in her car seat. I do not miss the sleep issues we had with that child.)
-My dog was such a pain when we first got him (so naughty!). Glad he “grew out of” those things!
-Our kids said a lot of funny things. (Like the time in May 2019 when I was coming back from a girls’ weekend away and C told Kendall, “When Mommy comes home tomorrow I’m NEVER giving her enough space!” Haha, that kid.)
-We kept each other regularly updated on parenting and financial stuff. It’s been nice remembering how easily and frequently we had communicated about those sorts of things.
-There were some gut punches or things that didn’t age well, like this text I sent, “So grateful to not really be a single parent. How’s work going?”
-We had a very strong physical relationship, and talked/texted about it a lot.
-We were funny! Liked making each other laugh. Those texts still made me laugh. It’s been fun sharing some of them with my kids.
What a cool experience, getting to read about important milestone events in our family’s history and what we felt about them, how we responded (everything from health challenges and miscarriages, to unemployment, home remodeling, vacations, all sorts of things). And what a great reminder of so many positive things from my relationship with Kenny. I did shed a few tears, but I laughed and smiled far more often. I finally finished reading the last of it yesterday, and ever since it’s been like I had some sort of delicious secret that keeps making me smile whenever I think about it. How blessed am I that I got to experience that? Our marriage was far from perfect, no one’s is, but I’ve loved getting to read these reminders of what a strong marriage we did have. It’s nice to get to choose now to focus on and remember the good things; there were many of them. No matter the challenges and the hard times, what a privilege to have enjoyed the type of marriage I did. And how lucky am I that our family is sealed for eternity?
It’s like this quote from Victoria Erickson says. “Tell your story. Just be sure to not get locked inside of it. Your story is the past that has already fallen from the present. It’s never been a mountain blocking you from forward movement. Because your story is water. An oceanic wave that has led you to this point, forever fluid and retreating back into open seas. Despite all that has brought you here, you are and always will be light. Malleable. Luminous. Free.”
I’ve said this before, but I do not intend to stay stuck or living in the past. I’ve spent a great deal of time these past two years revisiting and learning from my past, yes, but always with the goal to help me move forward. To better understand myself as I do so. I’m looking forward with anticipation for what the years will bring me and my family, at the same time I express my appreciation for the strong foundation Kendall helped our family to establish.
