The relationship and bond that Kenny and I had with one another was very close, and I know that we had a good marriage. Sure, like with any relationship things weren’t perfect and we went through difficult times, but we did make our way through them together and were ultimately closer because of them.
So I wasn’t expecting the feelings of regret, and yes, sometimes even anger, that I have needed to address and work through during the past year. It’s been such an interesting space to occupy, to have the opportunity to look objectively back on and analyze my marriage from this standpoint, to recognize things I could not see while I was in the midst of living it. Things I wish I had handled differently, or simply wish had BEEN different, or ways I so wish I could take this version of myself back to deal with some past situations. Nothing too egregious, I really did work hard at trying to be a good wife, but some regrets there nonetheless.
Regret isn’t a comfortable emotion, and one I have actively tried to avoid, because it’s not like I can change the things that have already happened. I want to learn from and be grateful for the past, not stay stuck in it. Even so, I’ve been discovering a lot about myself and how it’s important for me to deal with those feelings of regret as I encounter them. I’m learning I really need to acknowledge them, not try to bury or excuse away or guilt trip myself about those feelings because then they just seem to fester and get worse. I need to allow space for ALL of my feelings, although I get to create the narrative I tell myself and which thoughts I decide to hold on to. I get to make the choice to look at things with the mindset of gratitude for what did happen, and then decide if I want to do things differently going forward.
Then there have been the feelings of guilt and the sense of disloyalty when I admit to myself (or to anyone else) that in many ways my life is actually BETTER since Kendall’s death. Harder, no question. Lonelier, absolutely, and I miss him like crazy, wish desperately that he were here. Of course. But I also don’t know that I’ve ever felt this at peace with and accepting of who I am as a person, or my life in general and where I feel I’m headed. I love it.
I had a friend, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, come over recently to help me with some of the clean-up from my latest “sewage flood.” She has been following Meal Train, and she commented that it doesn’t just seem like I’m merely surviving, but that I’m actually THRIVING. And I am, I know I am. I’m happy, and my life has purpose, and I’m not just optimistic and hopeful about the future but I am appreciating (loving, even) the present. Those aren’t just idle words, promise.
That doesn’t mean that life is easy, of course. It isn’t without pain, and difficult challenges and moments, and sometimes all-consuming emotions to weather. But this overall feeling of peace I have does seem more permanent somehow than it has previously in my life. Or at least is such a presence now that I know I will be able to look back on and draw strength from these moments when there are those times of overwhelm, perhaps even despair, that are likely to come. But it is such an empowering thing being able to say that I have survived, made it through, incredibly difficult things. I feel like whatever life entails going forward, it really is going to eventually be OK. What a gift to have (finally!) learned to accept that.