Digging Deep

Bet you assumed any post I wrote today was going to be about Father’s Day, dincha? Oh, I’ll probably have a few thoughts to share on that by the time I make it to the end of this post, but I’ve had some other things on my mind this past week.

I’ve had quite a few stark reminders lately that there really are so many things outside of our control, things simply not within my own power to control no matter how hard I may try. As Bruce Hafen said, “Life’s problems never seem to cease, but trying hard to deal with the problems somehow makes you dig deep enough that you learn things you’d never understand without the digging. A happy life isn’t about getting what you want; it’s about the attitude you develop toward whatever happens to you, an attitude that lets you grow.”

Let me state that again. “A happy life isn’t about getting what you want.” Wait, truly, Suzanne? Do you really believe that? But what if the things I want are good, righteous desires? What then?

Over these past three years I have made peace with the fact that things in my life will not be how I would have chosen. Not ever, at least in mortality. And I can be okay with that. I know that I have grown and now understand that counsel to trust in the Lord from Proverbs 3:5-6 so much more than my college freshman self did (https://stillbeingsmelted.com/how-was-i-so-wise/). Of course I’m still learning, but I do feel like I’ve done a lot of that digging, have very consciously chosen to adopt a positive attitude and be happy no matter my life circumstances.

There are always many beautiful, reaffirming, and even awe-inspiring moments when I look for them. Even during this last difficult, often emotionally draining week. I cannot get enough of seeing Utah mountains that are actually green this year, with all of the snow and rain we have had. We’re still unseasonably chilly, which means I’m comfortable with a light jacket on an evening walk, my very favorite type of weather. I’ve loved the thunderstorms! They remind me of being a child in New York when we would have regular rain and awesome thunderstorms. We had some good ones in Virginia as well.

More than anything, though, are the people in my life. Again and again I see how the Lord puts people in my path at just the times I need them. Individuals willing to sit with me in those hard moments, to help me carry things that may feel too heavy or overwhelming to do alone. People are so good, and often so ready to help, or offer prayers, or give support in various ways when they learn there is a need. It’s been hard to allow others to see me vulnerable or hurting, but I’m learning that one way I can consistently feel the love of the Lord for me is through the actions of others, or when I am allowed to minister to them. Getting to meet and connect with other people is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I know that people at times make hurtful decisions, and it’s particularly difficult when it may be someone I care about who has been hurt, but I really do just. like. people. So so much.

No surprise that on this Father’s Day I have been mindful of the men in my life who have so positively impacted me and my children. To be honest, this day isn’t an especially hard one for me like it is for my children. It’s hard for me to see their tears and pain, but in many ways I cannot relate as I have not lost my father. More than anything today I have felt such gratitude for the wonderful men I have been privileged to know. I’ve shared on here what an involved and loving father Kendall was (is?) for our children. He loved being a dad more than anything (well, except maybe me, ’cause I know that man adored me and loves me an awful lot; the feeling was mutual). I’ve also shared how much I admire and am grateful for my own father. What a blessing to live so close to him and be able to interact on a regular basis, something I did not have with my grandparents growing up. And then there are the other men who have acted as positive role models for my children, who have stepped in and filled needs that I cannot meet. I’m grateful for them all.

So no, those problems Elder Hafen mentioned haven’t seemed to cease, and I don’t believe they ever will. That’s just life, and a consequence of living in a fallen world. Although hey, at least this last major and costly flooding happened outdoors this time, and didn’t end up hurting my foundation like it might have if we hadn’t caught it when we did, and I was able to salvage most of the new plants that had been planted so recently by my amazing Widows Might friends… That’s a trivial example, I know, and not what made this a hard week, but there really are always those silver linings or tender mercies when I look for them.

For now and the foreseeable future, I do still choose happy. With the help of others and my Savior I am able to ride through those hard times. And you know, I’m not even sure it takes all that much deep digging anymore. I am learning!