I’ve talked a lot on here about mindfully looking for the blessings and miracles there have been amid the trials. That has been such an important part of my, and my family’s, journey over the past two years. Within that framework, however, the following passage from Megan Devine’s book, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” really gave me food for thought. She says,
“Being brave – being a hero – is not about overcoming what hurts or turning it into a gift. Being brave is about WAKING to face each day when you would rather just STOP WAKING UP. Being brave is staying present in your own heart when that heart is SHATTERED into a million different pieces and can NEVER be made right. Being brave is standing at the edge of the abyss that just opened in someone’s life and not turning away from it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy ‘think positive’ emoticon. Being brave is letting pain UNFURL and take up all the space it needs. Being brave is telling THAT story. It’s terrifying. And it’s beautiful. Those are the stories we need.”
So do I agree with that? Overall I do, but it feels like only a part of the story. Important to tell, but not where I want to stay stuck. Absolutely we should be able to sit with others in their grief and pain, without merely offering unhelpful platitudes no matter how well-intentioned. I am so grateful for the people who have mourned with me and my family, comforted us when we stood in need of comfort. Because yes, in looking back on this past year, I have certainly had those days when I would have preferred to just stop waking up (I wasn’t suicidal, but there have been times when things have felt like they were entirely too hard and overwhelming to even attempt to navigate). I do think it’s been a form of bravery simply waking up day after day and facing the hard, staring into that abyss. Yes, I have felt my heart shattered into a million pieces, had moments where it felt like at least in this life things would not ever be completely “right” again. There HAS been beauty in the process of learning to accept and embrace, not merely survive, that pain. And there’s no question that my children are remarkable, truly brave, as they have faced challenges and struggles during the past two years that have not been mine to share on this Meal Train forum.
But I have also very much wanted to overcome the hurt and turn my experiences into gifts. I want to learn and grow, want there to have been some good that could come from the suffering. In being careful to not invalidate the pain (my own or others’), I also don’t want to downplay the importance gratitude can have in framing how we experience the difficult trials we all face in our lives. Control has always been a big deal for me (yeah, you may have picked up on that by now – ha). With so very many things in my life recently that have been completely out of my control, it has been important for me to be able to identify what things I CAN control. And very consciously exercising gratitude each day has been something that is certainly within my control.
While it does take some effort to be grateful, especially when things feel hard, I have found that it is definitely something that becomes easier with practice. Helps strengthen those “positivity muscles,” so to speak. I’ve mentioned on here before that I know our family has become more grateful over the past two years. We really have. But it wasn’t like we were all starting from a baseline of zero.
I discovered long ago the positive difference that gratitude could make in my life. When I was in college I had a habit of any time I was walking alone, I would keep a running prayer going in my head, where I didn’t ask for anything but just expressed things to my Heavenly Father that I was grateful for in that moment. I never once ran out of things to say, and I really took to heart counsel Joseph B. Wirthlin gave during a fireside then to “live in thanksgiving daily.” Then after I was married and started my family, we would often have “gratitude contests” with each other as we were out walking, where we would go back and forth quickly listing things we were thankful for (the first one to repeat something or hesitate/falter, would “lose”). And for years the kids and I would each list three things we were grateful for as I took them to school (something we still do now). Sure, there have been times I’ve had grumbling or grumpy kids, but all in all it’s just been a part of our day. Plus other traditions like our “Grateful Gobble” turkey each November where we would add “thankful feathers” throughout the month. You get the idea – being intentionally grateful was not a new concept for us.
So when I say that we have become more grateful as a family, what exactly do I mean? I’ve talked about how our family very consciously decided at the beginning of Kendall’s cancer journey to choose faith and gratitude, no matter what happened. I started my daily gratitude journal at that time, listing things from that specific day for which I was thankful. There have been many days, during Kendall’s illness and in this year afterward, when it has been so, so hard to identify even 3 things from my day. But I’ve done it, and it really has become easier. I find myself looking for and noticing things throughout the day that I will include in my journal that evening.
As my head is now clearing more and more, I can recognize how choosing to still express gratitude when circumstances were seemingly so bleak and dark and just plain difficult, well, it has changed me, guys. I’m really not “covering [my] discomfort with a pithy ‘think positive’ emoticon.” I do feel grateful, and joyful, and happy to be embracing this wonderful life of mine. Even as I experience, and strive to embrace, all of the hard parts and uncomfortable or painful emotions. I can see how expressing gratitude and pointing out the miracles that occur surprisingly often (and are so much more evident as we continue to look for them) has become part of our family’s daily dialogue. We have been blessed as we do try to look for the positive even amidst the exhaustion and uncertainty and deep grief that so many of our days have entailed. I know we are the better for it.
So as we are here on this Good Friday, heading into Easter weekend, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge my profound gratitude toward and love for my Savior. My life would look very different if I did not have the hope of a resurrection, that knowledge that I will indeed see Kenny again, that our family will one day be reunited and complete and whole once more. I really think Easter is becoming my favorite holiday. (And wow, there is something about springtime that makes me want to “do all the things” and just PLAY!!! I love this time of year.)
