I’ve mentioned a few times how shy or reserved I used to be. While there’s no question I am more outgoing and self-confident than I was as a child, I think a more accurate description would be that I have always been an extrovert, just one who used to have really bad social anxiety. I have ALWAYS needed interactions and connections with other people to help me “recharge.”
It’s funny, but I have been realizing recently that the majority of my friends are actually introverts (I think introverts might be more common, especially with the pandemic). The other day I had someone I have been friends with for a long time apologize to me, saying how much she wished for my sake that she was an extrovert (and that she had tried!). I found that sentiment interesting, because I have never thought that being an extrovert was preferable over being an introvert. In light of my current life circumstances, I’m actually jealous of people who are able to recharge on their own, who are comfortable with (and even prefer) their own company.
Because that is NOT my life experience. I am absolutely rubbish with “being still.” Rather than being buoyed up, having so much time with just myself for company can lead to a tendency to get way too much inside my own head, can take me to places I don’t want to go. It’s too easy to feel down or discouraged, and certainly very lonely. I’m not good with lonely (remember, before the past year I hadn’t truly been alone since I was 16). I know, I’m learning a lot of valuable lessons about myself with all of this, but I can’t say that I’m enjoying this particular aspect of it all that much.
I obviously have not hesitated to share my testimony through these posts, to acknowledge how my faith impacts my life and how I am experiencing loss and grief and trauma. Absolutely it does. But what I don’t think these posts have adequately conveyed, is that I have to constantly be making that choice, over and over and over again. It hasn’t been a “one and done” sort of deal at all. I have to remind myself daily, sometimes even moment by moment. It can be exhausting at times (but certainly has kept me going). Which is why it hasn’t escaped my notice that the person these Meal Train posts has helped the most has been ME. When moments feel hard, or lonely, I will often go back and read through old posts to get reminders that help me re-center back to my faith. Because I know that I am sincere, really mean things, when I post them. My words do reflect what I actually think and believe. I just need some extra reminders now and then.
