I hate this. Sorry, but I do.
Birthdays in our family unsurprisingly hold some extra weight and sadness now, but our two that fall in February are especially hard. Today is my youngest’s birthday, cute girl (she’s nine today and definitely got her daddy’s height – she’s already taller than my chin). She has been so excited, and I have wanted to be so excited too, wanted this day to be special and filled with happy memories. Instead it has taken absolutely everything in me to merely get through this day, to force myself to try and smile and interact with others all while barely keeping tears at bay and only just holding it together. It was touching, but also emotional, that my daughter wanted “Daddy’s favorite cereal” for breakfast today, and for dinner wanted that meal that was Daddy’s specialty (and was one I have never actually made). Bless my angel mother for coming over and preparing the dinner so that I wouldn’t have to, while I was in my clinic doing therapy.
So what made today particularly hard? Last year on February 9th I was in the middle of a therapy session when I got an emergency call from the hospital saying that I needed to get up there immediately. I dropped everything and rushed out the door, not getting to spend any time with my daughter or be part of the birthday dinner or presents or celebrations at all. And things were very not good up at that hospital. It was downright awful.
Then there is my birthday coming up in a week and a half. My birthday weekend last year was when Kendall was admitted to the ICU, and I think those days were some that held the most terror for me. There were so many things that happened on my actual birthday that I couldn’t help making mental notes of “I can’t believe this is happening on my birthday. This is so awful that THIS is happening on my birthday, of all days.” Kendall’s encephalopathy was so severe that he really wasn’t aware of me and certainly wasn’t aware that it was my birthday. It was a scary, lonely day (despite some lovely efforts by friends and neighbors to try and help me feel loved that day).
My birthday the year before was a big one, when I was turning forty. For YEARS I had told Kendall that I wanted a huge celebration for my fortieth, with all of my friends. A surprise party (that I got to have input on of course, ha) that I wanted him to plan. So he did start to plan. But as my birthday approached Kendall checked in with me to make sure that was still what I wanted. Because my mom was in the hospital at the time and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with her. I was so worried and felt beyond overwhelmed with everything, so I asked if we could postpone the party until after my mom was no longer in the hospital. And then the pandemic hit a few weeks later…
So I’ve had some not great birthdays lately. And seeing how hard today has been, I’m apprehensive about what my birthday will look like as I head in to reliving all of those ICU experiences. I really want to create some GOOD memories this year to replace the traumatic ones, so I’ve made plans to go away with a couple of friends for a few days (convenient that my birthday falls on a long weekend). I even have a close friend who is flying out from Virginia to be there with (and for) me. I’m grateful that these are close enough friends that they will be OK if I end up needing some space or time to cry or if I’m not quite as “fun” as I would want to be. We’ll see how it goes.
In the meantime, though, dealing with all of this has not been fun. At all. Can we please fast forward to April?
