Yesterday was the six month mark. Why did this one feel so much harder than five months, or four? I don’t know, but saying it’s been more than half a year just feels so….long. And for some reason things feel more, well, permanent somehow.
Certainly it didn’t help that this week we also went through Kendall’s shirts. This was the first time I’ve done so since he passed away, since shortly after Kendall died some friends of mine came and boxed all of his things up to be stored at one of their houses until I was ready to deal with or face sorting through them. Going through everything brought up so many memories. The kids each picked a shirt that my mother is going to make into a teddy bear for each of them for Christmas (thanks, Pam, for the idea!), and then we’ll make throw pillows for our family room out of some of his fun (and sentimental) T-shirts.
This week was also my daughter’s first swim meet. I was excited for her and grateful that I was able to reschedule some therapy sessions so that I could be there to support her in person. It surprised me how emotional I got watching her compete, though. It hit me so hard, all at once, that I was there without Kendall who would have been her biggest cheerleader and been so proud of her (he also really enjoyed swimming, something that I definitely do not, so being there reminded me of him in other ways too – Kendall did all the swimming and pool stuff with the kids).
Then yesterday, on the six month mark, I went to the elementary school fall festival with my kids. Our family has been going every year (except last year) since Adriana was a toddler – so very many happy, silly, and laughable memories from past fall festivals. And of course one of the songs from Kendall’s video tribute at the viewing had to start playing when we were there, which completely set me off. I left for a bit to sit in my car and just ugly cry.
Oh man, even the changing of the seasons right now feels like a trigger, after last fall and winter. This week has felt like I keep getting gut punched and knocked down, over and over and over again. My emotions are all over the place. Overall I feel like I am a happy person, but then the smallest thing sometimes can send me spiraling down with grief. And there’s no way to just “push through” and speed up things, which is hard.
There are definite high moments, too. I’ve mentioned before that I am trying to support our family by being self employed as a speech pathologist, through my private practice. That’s an emotional roller coaster for sure. I’ve given myself one year to try my best and see if taking this path will be feasible long-term.
Folks, I’ve only been officially working full-time for one month now, and a few days ago when I did my books I realized that not only did I earn enough for our family’s needs, but in that one month I actually earned the same amount that Kendall and I did TOGETHER right before he got sick. Astounding. I know that I can’t keep up this pace and workload, and I desperately need to hire some help, but what an empowering thing to realize that I CAN do this. I know that being self-employed, I will have “high” and “low” months of income. But I’m feeling more confident with my ability to make this work, to not have to declare medical bankruptcy, to be able to take care of my family financially. It’s been amazing to see how often the Lord has used details with our finances to remind me time and time again that He is aware of me and my family, that He is in charge, that I need to merely trust and things WILL work out. I’m grateful for that.
