This past week has really been one of personal discovery for me. Not only observing a nation in mourning and sharing in remembrance with the 20th anniversary of 9-11, but it was altogether a different experience seeing all of the tributes and memorializing through my own lens of personal grief. Then even closer to home, a very dear friend of mine tragically and unexpectedly lost her significant other last week. I (unfortunately) am uniquely qualified to relate to the depth of her pain and grief, in a way that wasn’t possible before I was widowed. Not to minimize the pain that certainly accompanies other forms of loss, but they are simply not the same.
While my heart has ached for my friend and her profound loss, and I have certainly cried for and with her, what surprised me was that this did not tip me over, didn’t appear to set me back. The sadness is there, yes, but it was not trauma triggering like I might have expected it could be, or like it probably would have been as recently as one month ago. And it felt so good to feel like I was able to help someone else in a meaningful way, to give back after being the recipient of other’s service for so long.
Going through each busy (sometimes frantically so?) day, it can be hard to recognize my progress and personal growth. But this past week there was no question that I have made progress, that I am healing from the trauma. That realization was so validating and empowering.
I’ve also had a few other “awakenings” of sorts in the last week or two. This past year it has taken everything in us, in me, to merely survive. And I realized that I don’t want to be just surviving. I want to be THRIVING. I came across this quote by Jamie Varon that really resonated with me:
“At some point, you decide. You decide that THIS is where you are rooted. You make the decision to be happy, right where you are. You don’t let go of your dreams, but you let yourself make new dreams. You EXPAND your dreams. You decide that this is where you plant, this is where you take root, this is where you will bloom. You don’t WAIT for it all to be perfect. you construct the life that feels beautiful and wonderful and generative right where you are. You get to decide that. You look around and pause to feel gratitude for what you have already created. You let in simple joys, easy pleasures. You take up a hobby. You stop forcing so much. You let go of control. You look at the raw materials of your life and you go, ‘ I can make something EXTRAORDINARY with this.’ And you start to build, right from where you’re planted. You don’t wait for it all to line up. You line it all up yourself, brick by brick.”
I’m going to do it, guys. My life IS going to be extraordinary. I know that I have so much still to contribute to the world. The Lord is going to use me and my life in ways I can’t even imagine yet. And it’s going to be amazing. It IS amazing.
That’s not to say I won’t have many moments of self-doubt, hard nights, setbacks. Just today I was faced with what felt like an incredibly weighty and daunting decision pertaining to investing in and growing my business. Being self-employed can be really scary. Admitting that what I am currently doing simply is not sustainable long-term made me feel very vulnerable, and making big financial decisions that affect my family are really hard without Kendall. But I did face the hard decision, and after prayerful consideration I will take that step forward and trust that it will all be OK.
And just as I learned during Kendall’s illness that I could consciously choose things like faith and gratitude, I can now choose optimism and hope. Every single day. I love that.
(I can also choose self care, like [finally!] getting my first pedicure! Life is good.)
