One thing that has been interesting as I navigate this new post-loss life has been trying to identify what my true needs are, and then how to meet those needs without Kendall here. I’m still figuring things out, but so far two big ones have become pretty evident:
1. I need human touch. Badly. I would never have previously considered physical touch to be my love language (have always been an “acts of service” kind of gal), but wow, has it been difficult to constantly feel so touch deprived. Maybe I didn’t specifically consider it one of my love languages because I was never without it, so it was easy to take it for granted. I have never really been a big hugger, but I have definitely come to appreciate the importance of hugs and physical connection with other people. So if you see me, you can always assume I’ll welcome a hug, or a handshake, etc. Maybe I need to start getting regular massages? Pedicures? (I’ve never actually had a pedicure before…)
2. People. I need interactions and connections with other people, and a lot of them. This one is funny because I actually recognized this need pretty early in our marriage. Yes, Kendall and I spent a lot of time together, and every night I would verbally process my day with him (something I really miss). But when Kendall first started struggling with depression and it became hard for him to go out and be around a lot of people, I quickly realized how much I needed those social interactions. I don’t know if I had ever fully appreciated what an extrovert I am (especially because I was fairly shy growing up, something that would probably surprise people who know me now). And with the depression, Kendall became much more of an introvert than he used to be. We balanced these different needs by my being involved with lots of groups (book clubs, etc.), activities (Relief Society, handbells, being involved in the kids’ schools, things in the community, etc.), and often going out at night to do things with friends (walks, game nights, just hanging out and talking, etc.), while Kendall was content to be at home with the kids. So why can’t I just continue “doing all the things” I did before, if Kendall wasn’t technically a part of them? Except he was. I haven’t felt free to be gone much or recommit to many activities that don’t involve my children, when I know my kids need me so much here at home. So yes, I feel the loss keenly, especially coming off the year of extreme isolation we had to go through. And darn it, I really miss having male conversation (something that’s nearly impossible to seek out when I’m not interested in dating). Social gatherings are just weird now that I’m “single” and I’ve suddenly become self conscious about not mistakenly sending the wrong message by interacting with someone. But I really miss conversations in mixed company discussing things like politics and policies, current events, different ideas, just intellectually stimulating topics in general.
So I’m figuring it out. Sort of. We’ll get into a rhythm eventually, where I can better balance my own needs for connections with other adults alongside my children’s many emotional and physical needs. Because I know that they lost a huge part of their sense of security and their personal support network. I’m where I need to be for now. But I’m still always up for a hug.
