When Kendall and I were first married we would anticipate and celebrate each month anniversary (with a big splurge for our poor struggling college students’ budget of a Little Caesar’s pizza, or sometimes even the extravagance of toasting with a bottle of Martinelli’s sparkling cider). We would talk about how long we thought it would be before we stopped measuring our marriage in months, stopped acknowledging the 10th as a special day. We actually did it for quite a while, until our first child was born almost four years later (at which point we started that clock over to measure her age in months, and on to our next child, etc.). So now I wonder, at what point will I stop marking each 24th as another month having passed since Kendall’s death? Not sure. Certainly at least for the first year or two.
I don’t know why it has felt hard lately to think of sitting down and writing a post for Meal Train. I know I don’t have any obligation to, but I also know there are people who want to know how our family is doing, want an update on Adriana’s health, or wonder how our basement disaster is coming along.
So how are we doing? That’s such a hard question to answer. Do people really want an honest answer when they ask that question? We’re managing, sure, certainly getting through each day, but this has also been the hardest and most painful two months we have ever experienced. I can’t say it has gotten any easier. There are some moments with smiles and laughter, yes, and other moments with tears and strong emotions. We’re processing and working through a lot. But we’re also still looking for things to be grateful for, trying to help each other, finding what our new normals are.
As for Adriana’s health, we’re still figuring things out and with her doctors trying to determine the next best steps. Things we know are: she has Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome, gastritis and inflammation throughout her GI tract, kidney stones, gallbladder issues, her stomach is not emptying properly (full of bile), her bowel is spasming, and there are some indications that she might have Interstitial Cystitis. But even with all of that she is actually doing a bit better. Adriana is on several medications that have helped stimulate her appetite and helped some with the pain so she can tolerate eating better. She has gained about 7 pounds, which is huge.
As for the basement, things are going SLOWLY. The restoration company estimated that everything should be put back together in about two weeks after the flood, but it’s looking like it’s going to be closer to six. Assuming we don’t run into any other unexpected delays, that is. It really has been a comedy of errors trying to do each step (like discovering our toilet had broken when it was removed, and needing to order a new one), and there have been many delays on getting needed supplies. I won’t be able to get my new carpet until June. Yeesh. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so we’re trying to make the best of it. And I do finally have a working laundry room again (never take your washer and dryer for granted!).
While my life certainly continues to contain unavoidable stress, I think I’m managing OK. And it’s OK that right now that means help from counselors and yes, some medication. Or saying no to some things I normally would be able to do, or lowering some standards. There are so many decisions right now, so many things I don’t know how exactly they are going to work out, but I’m not worrying overly much about them. I honestly don’t feel fearful about the future. Every single priesthood blessing Kendall was given while he was sick, and from different people, ALL mentioned the exact same words that “Your family will be taken care of.” And while I didn’t find that comforting at the time (I would have much rather heard a promise of healing), I am now trusting in that promise. Because we have been taken care of thus far, every step along the way, even though it often hasn’t looked like how I would have wanted.
I love these words from the hymn, “Lead, Kindly Light.”
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene – one step enough for me….
So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on…
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
