What a wonderful experience those viewings and that funeral were. Hard, yes, but also so so joyous. I thought the speakers, the music, everything was just right. Thank you to the many people who participated, attended or viewed remotely, or helped in any way to make everything come together.
I especially loved attending the viewing on Monday night, when I was able to be there (without my children), able to just greet wonderful friends from so many stages of my, Kendall’s, and our families’ lives. It felt SO GOOD to finally be able to be around people again! It’s been a long year for this extroverted soul, being so isolated from others. By the end of the evening I was just buzzing with positive energy. Again, so very joyous.
It made me so very happy getting to share with others a glimpse of the amazing person, husband, and father Kendall was. Getting this video slideshow together was a bit of a miracle, as my computer had completely crashed and I didn’t have access to all of my photos (oh yes, there are MANY more) and couldn’t figure out where Kendall had backed them up. I didn’t include a lot of pictures from our high school and courtship years (yup, there are many more of those photos as well), as I wanted the emphasis to be more on our family . If you didn’t get a chance to watch, I would love if you took a few minutes to get some snapshots of the person Kendall was. The link for the slideshow is:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/14yKozQaBKLskCx-gdnlOGfHMcxLUitXT/view
I mentioned at the beginning of my talk that the piano piece my brother-in-law played was one he composed himself while Kendall was sick. (Jeff really is a very talented composer and pianist. I’d encourage you to check out his other songs on his Youtube channel.) I don’t know that the audio for the piano got picked up very well in the funeral recording, so here is a link to his song if you are interested:
I’ve also had several requests for a copy of my talk. I’m happy to share. To be honest, I haven’t gone back yet and listened to it or reread it. But I ended with the feeling that I’d said what I wanted to say, conveyed what I set out to. Thank you for what must have been many prayers that helped me get through it. (It’s a bit long, so I’ll just end with this so you don’t have to read to the very end to see if I had any more comments. Love to you all!)
SUZANNE’S FUNERAL TALK
I welcome your prayers that I will be able to get through this. I’ve had many people express surprise that I would try to speak at my husband’s funeral, instead of sitting in the audience as is typical, and allowing others to pay tribute to his life. But the fact is, I have no doubt that I’m the one Kendall would want up here for his funeral, and he knows that I will push through and do this last hard thing for him, because that’s what we do, he and I.
Because the story of Kendall’s life is one of a beautiful love story that only I can tell, and one of triumph over sometimes seemingly insurmountable challenges, one of countless acts of quiet and consistent service, of so much laughter and family memories, and ultimately a life of faith. And I can say with confidence that no one aside from a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, knows Kendall better than I do. We didn’t meet until we were 16, but I know the stories of his life: who his friends were in the many places he lived (which, frankly, I was able to keep track of better than him, when he lived where, how old he was), stories of his family, who his mission companions were and where they served, what he liked, what he thought and felt about things, what was most important to him.
And it was certainly not one-sided. Kendall knows me better than anyone. He has been my much-needed calming and steadying influence for a long time, the one to help me recognize when I’m running too fast or taking on too much (which I do a lot), and the one quietly supporting me in all the crazy things I like to be involved in, keeping things running at home so that I could “do all the things” that I wanted to.
While still in high school, we had only officially been dating for one month when Kendall’s dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. After his parents had told the kids, Kendall’s mom asked him if he wanted to have anyone come over to be with him, thinking perhaps his good friend Brian or possibly Kirk. I’m told that Kendall’s response surprised her when he said, “I just want Suzanne.” And that right there encapsulates a lot of our relationship, and is the main reason I am standing here today.
Our relationship moved quickly from the flighty, giddy, and so often superficiality of most typical teenage relationships. It was pretty remarkable, but from that moment when he said, “I just want Suzanne” and I was called to come over, through the strong influence of the Holy Ghost, I just knew what to say, what to do, and what he needed throughout those next difficult months. I had another close friend I had known much longer who lost a parent just months after Kendall, and the contrast between those two experiences was so stark, not knowing how to act or help, feeling so awkward.
While Kendall and I have been incredibly close for the past 25 years, I have only experienced that level of connection on such a large scale and for a prolonged time, on a truly spiritual level, one other time. That has been during the previous seven months, particularly the past two as he was in the hospital and so ill and he didn’t have the ability to verbalize for himself what he needed. Again, I was given that divinely influenced gift to just know. To remember pertinent details each day to contribute sitting in on rounds with his doctors, which was a gift in and of itself that I was permitted to do so. I was blessed to know when he was in pain, or if he was cold, or how to phrase the questions so he could understand, or how to alleviate his anxiety. To know what he needed. Because I knew him. And he knows and loves and trusts me. And I am so grateful for the gift of that experience, for that opportunity to have been able to really share and help bear this cancer journey with the person I love the most.
As I’ve thought about this talk and what I hoped to convey, more than anything I wanted those listening to have a better picture of who Kendall was as a person, his personality, his values. I don’t think anyone can watch that video that was playing during the viewings, and not come away with the sense that family was so important to Kendall. And that he was such a fun, and often goofy, guy.
Kendall’s love story certainly expanded to include our children. Kendall adored his kids. His patriarchal blessing even mentions the joy he would find in his children’s many accomplishments. Where I tend to get caught up in the things that need to be done or the things that need to change, Kendall was so good at accepting and loving each of our kids exactly how they are. He was so very, very proud of each one of them.
From the moment our oldest child Adriana was born, Kendall made the decision that he wanted to be home and there with our kids as much as possible. It was so important to him that he have a lot of time with them. He would even get up each night to change every diaper, before bringing the baby to me to be fed (although I will say that that didn’t last through all of the other kids….) He only looked for and accepted jobs that would allow him to be home regularly, not need to travel or take a lot of work home with him. Until a few years ago Kendall would go into work very early in the morning so that he was done by 2:00 p.m., and could be home when the kids got home from school. He was the one who helped kids with homework.
Kendall may not have pursued the most prestigious or lucrative positions, and we may not have had as much money as we could have otherwise. We may not have gone on a lot of expensive family vacations, but as I was going through family pictures these past few days I was so struck by how many amazing family memories and experiences we did have. Kendall certainly didn’t want to leave his family, and the thought of that was incredibly painful for him knowing how devastating it was when he lost his father at a young age. But he DID give us the priceless gift of his TIME, and so much love and a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Lest you think it was all smooth sailing in our lives together, I assure you it was not. It’s pretty remarkable that he even stuck around through high school and didn’t give up on us after all of the “rules” about dating I enforced. I was worried about things getting too serious while we were so young, and knowing how important it was to him (really both of us) that he serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Poor Kendall came to dread every time I would attend a church summer camp called Especially For Youth, knowing that I would always break up with him afterward (even though we would eventually get back together). Or there were the self-imposed rules like he could only ask me to dance two times at church dances so we weren’t too “exclusive,” (although that rule definitely didn’t apply for the many formal school dances we went to together, and even during the church dances he would often be close by, coming up with the silliest or most outrageous groan-worthy pick-up lines to make me laugh.)
Or there were the times I would encourage him to ask other girls out on dates between going out with me (which was of course different from constantly “hanging out”). Our friends often told me that they were never sure when we were officially dating or not, since we were always best friends and together constantly, regardless of our official relationship status. I remember the first time I told my parents we had “broken up,” and instead of commending their daughter for having high moral standards, their response was, “Oh, we really like Kenny. Are we still going to get to see him?” It was very difficult for Kenny when his dad was sick, and he spent a great deal of time over at our house, “doing homework,” eating meals, and just hanging out with my family.
Kendall struggled with severe depression and other mental health challenges for most of our married life, so many who met him recently probably thought of him as a more reserved person, they probably knew me better. But that makes it that much more remarkable that Kendall still gave so much effort to be there for and with his family.
Kendall wasn’t as strongly opinionated about things as I am, but he could be very determined when he knew he wanted something. When I flew out to northern Virginia from Utah where I was attending college so that I could attend his mission homecoming (and at that point not even sure if we were going to date), at the end of that weekend he said, “I’m moving to Utah to woo you.” And that’s exactly what he did. We were engaged quickly thereafter, although we didn’t get married for another four months since he needed a little time to “de-weirdify” from the mission, and I was committed that summer to being a counselor for that same Especially for Youth church camp I mentioned earlier. I worried that Kendall had never really dated anyone else, never kissed anyone else, but when I would bring up that concern he would look at me and say, “I don’t need to. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve got you.”
Kendall was a very hands-on father. Although I can’t help feeling more than a little cheated (maybe miffed?) since even before we had kids we made an iron-clad agreement (that I reminded him of repeatedly) that I would handle the potty training if he would teach the kids to drive. And I just want it to go on record that ALL of our kids are indeed now potty trained, so clearly I held up my end of the bargain, but he didn’t get the opportunity to teach any of them how to drive. He would have been so good at it. Kendall was infinitely more patient and laid back than I am, and so was naturally better suited to many aspects of parenting.
When you’re caught up in the day to day busy-ness and messiness of life, it can be easy to take a lot of things for granted. I think I did sometimes take our connection for granted, because it had been such a solid part of our lives for so long. It was so hard for me when Kendall left on his mission, and I tried repeatedly to convince myself that I was just fine without him. But time and again it amazed me at how comfortable we were with one another, and how quickly we could get back to that place. That happened the moment I saw him at the airport when he came to pick me up to attend his mission homecoming. It also happened during his mission when I had a chance to talk to him.
Kendall’s mom invited me over to their house to be there for the last Mother’s Day phone call Kendall made from his mission in Romania. (Not sure if that was technically allowed, but I was not going to say no.) While Kendall and I had consistently written to each other while he was on his mission, I had been busy and had dated while he was gone. I wasn’t sure if we would have much to say to each other, especially because Kendall wasn’t a big phone talker in general. A bit in to the phone call, Kendall’s mom had to leave for a meeting and said I was welcome to stay and finish up the call with him. When she arrived home 2 HOURS LATER we were still talking. I know, we must have been breaking so many rules. And it cost me two full paychecks to pay for that long-distance phone call, which I insisted on paying back my now mother-in-law because I was so embarrassed. I had no idea it had been that long, it was just….easy…..to be talking again (and I assure you, he did just as much of the talking).
Kendall was also very protective of me. Throughout our marriage I have had quite a few health challenges. He was always so careful to make sure that I wouldn’t have to do anything that would hurt me. Right before we learned that the tumor had actually broken Kendall’s back, he was out mowing our lawn so I would not have to (although he did come back in and say, “I think I might have to wait on doing the back lawn, if that’s OK.) I have actually NEVER mowed our lawn, because he did that for me. I also hadn’t filled my own gas tank for more than 15 years. Kendall handled anything related to technology, our bills, so many things with the kids. He took them on one-on-one “daddy-kid” dates. Slurpees were often a staple, and I’m not sure it was a coincidence that the time he passed away was 7:11, because I know he would find that funny. Many of you have probably experienced Kendall’s quirky, and very quick-witted, sense of humor. He would often change song lyrics to relate in a funny way to what was happening in that moment. He could come up with clever one-liners so quickly. He helped lighten situations, made us all laugh.
The kids and I have had several conversations over the past few months when Kendall was in the hospital, where we would talk about what the “worst possible thing would be.” And you know what, it wasn’t that Kendall might, and did indeed, die. We recognize how infinitely worse it would be if we didn’t get to continue as a family beyond this life. But we do. We very consciously made the decision at the beginning of this cancer experience that our family was going to choose faith, and gratitude, and keep our focus on Jesus Christ. And it was not easy. It’s far from easy now.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do—not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our power to do is increased.” I bear testimony that this is true. Kendall certainly demonstrated this in consistently serving the people he loved. Things like gratitude, exercising faith, and finding peace through Jesus Christ not only become easier when we persist in doing them, but our own capacity to do so increases.
I didn’t get that beautiful bedside moment the day Kendall passed, no last meaningful words that day. But what I did get during those last five grueling weeks in the ICU, was evidence time and time again of how Kendall felt about me, and about the children. Weeks when he would only respond to my voice, or my touch, or my requests. When he was only calm when I was there with him, could only participate in different therapies when I was there helping. And that was important to me, to feel needed, to know that it mattered that I was there with him. I know that there were many sacrifices, particularly for my children as both of their parents were so often physically absent, but I am so so grateful to have had that opportunity to continue our love story in that way.
While I didn’t get those last words the day of Kendall’s passing, despite being heavily sedated Kendall did “wake up” a bit when the kids came to say good-bye, squeezing a child’s hand, crying with another. He loves his kids SO MUCH. And the last words the children and I did hear Kendall say were, “I love you,” over a phone call the evening before. That was the first time in a very long time that he had been able to express that verbally. We had no idea at the time the end was so very near, that so much would change overnight. So what a treasured memory that is now.
I’ve been asked if I feel resentful of how this experience ended, after so many awful sacrifices our family had to make, at how much desperation and determination and exhausting effort we all had to exert, without a break, to have it still end with Kendall’s death. And you know, I can honestly say that I don’t. My heart is broken, and we are so very sad, but there were so many miracles and evidences of God’s love throughout all of this. Throughout Kendall’s entire life. And I needed this time to get stronger, to learn how to so completely rely on the Lord for strength in moments when it was physically impossible to do it on my own. Time for our family to learn that we could really do hard things. That we have each other as well as a wonderful support network of friends and family. That this wasn’t actually “the worst possible thing” that could have happened. We are still a family of six, bound together by eternal covenants.
I watched the impact Kendall and his story had on the people around us, thankful that he overrode his natural private tendencies and permitted his story to be shared so publicly, thus allowing others to share and support and learn and grow along with our family. I have seen how Kendall’s courage inspired others. How he brought humor to some of the most horrific of circumstances. How to the very end he demonstrated his love for me and our family. And who knows how many numerous lives he will affect, as he volunteered to participate with research and further the medical field’s knowledge about how to fight such a devastating disease.
I’d like to close with a quote from Tad R. Callister. “The Savior’s Atonement gives us life for death, ‘beauty for ashes,’ healing for hurt, and perfection for weakness. It is heaven’s antidote to the obstacles and struggles of this world. In the Savior’s final week of mortality, He said, ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.’ (John 16:33) Because the Savior performed His atonement, there is no external force or event or person—no sin or death or divorce—that can prevent us from achieving exaltation, provided we keep God’s commandments. With that knowledge, we can press forward with good cheer and absolute assurance that God is with us in this heavenly quest.”
It is because of the promises of the Atonement and the Resurrection that we can say, and believe, that death is not the “worst thing ever.” Through the temple covenants and promises Kendall and I made, and through the Savior’s atoning sacrifice and resurrection, we are a family sealed together forever. This is not the end. I am deeply grieving, but I’m no longer afraid. I so firmly believe in the Savior’s promise from John 14:27 when he says, “Peace I leave you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” We all truly “can press forward with good cheer” and that absolute assurance that God lives, He loves us, and He is with us throughout it all. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
