Over the past several months I have mentioned various family members like my dad, the kids, my mother-in-law, or my sister. I have not, however, written about my mom. That has been a conscious choice, a sort of self-preservation if you will. You might find it funny that I’m able to write all of these things about Kendall’s situation, or deep struggles I have had, but even mentioning my mom has just seemed too hard. Or to know that my counselor has noted that it is the times that I talk about her (not Kendall) that I have consistently gotten emotional. I’m literally getting choked up just writing this post. But by avoiding any mention of my mom, I have also neglected acknowledging the pivital role she has played in helping our family through all of this. And for that I’m sorry.
Many, but not all, of you reading these updates know my mother. I don’t want to gush or embarrass her, but just know that my mom is the quintessential peacemaker, my standard for meekness and charity, and the type of person who sees a need and quietly serves without being asked. She’s a very hands-on grandma, and the kids adore her and are so comfortable around her. There was a reason she was the person I wanted more than anyone else to help bring my kids to the hospital to see Kendall, because we all feel calmer in her presence.
I have had a lot of health problems the past eight years, and my mom has always been here to help me through those times. While my service has paled in comparison to hers, as Mom has battled carcinoid cancer for more than a decade now, as well as cirrhosis of the liver, it has meant so much to me to know that I was close enough to help in some small ways. Mom and I have really become close friends since she moved here to Utah, a relationship that I truly cherish.
So it has been incredibly hard to not be available for her in the ways I would like, either as a friend or to help with her own health challenges, during this craziness that has become our family’s lives these past 6+ months. At least with Kendall I feel like I have a role, ways I can contribute, and clear things that have to be done. I see the numerous ways Mom still consistently and quietly serves us (helping Clara with school work, bringing us groceries or meals, Grandma craft times, etc.), despite her own failing health. Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer right as Kendall became critically ill a few weeks ago, and that coupled with everything else has at times felt so very heavy, so crushing. (Did Job also have those moments of asking, “Really? This too? Now?”) I’ve seen the effects first-hand of how devastating chemotherapy and radiation can be, but as she goes through her treatments I will be forced to be a bystander instead of a participant. And that is so hard, to feel so helpless. Perhaps that is how some of you feel reading these posts.
You would think that I would have already learned the importance of surrendering the need to control. There’s no question I have certainly made progress on that front, at least in some areas of my life. It’s been a hard-fought journey coming to a place of peace with Kendall’s situation. And while I know I can get there with my mom, too, I’m not there yet. So more than anything I want to thank her, for her Christlike example in my life. And thank Heavenly Father for the strength I know He has blessed her with as well, to be able to really be there for my family despite her own physical limitations. I love you, Mom.
(P.S. Isn’t this cake darling? My mom makes personalized birthday cakes for all of the Utah grandkids. This was Clara’s last month.)
