Did that catch your attention? No, not moving to another state or city or even out of our house. But I AM in the process of moving these Meal Train posts over to an actual blog site. I know, it’s past time. Meal Train was never intended to be a blog platform, only a place for people to post the occasional updates, but obviously it turned in to something more for me. It’s funny the emotional ties I’m feeling toward Meal Train as I “move on,” the not quite sadness but wistfulness I feel in essentially closing that chapter of my life, but I have felt for a while now that it was time to move past the Meal Train space.
I’ve also been surprised at some of the feelings of anxiety or insecurity that this is bringing up in me. My “Meal Train family” has been such a huge emotional support for me these past two years. I’ve gotten a lot of comfort out of the fact that I knew there were people reading the things I wrote, or at least that there were hundreds of people who were notified of new posts or others I knew were following and regularly reading. I’ve had a sort of unreasonable fear that only a handful of people will actually bother to follow or read my blog after I switch over, and that feels like another loss stacked on top of other losses.
Silly, right? It’s not like my self-worth is based on things like Facebook likes or anything. But as I have navigated this lonely road of widowhood, it has helped feeling like I was “heard” and loved and supported through the things I had written. I knew there were people praying for us specifically about the things happening in my family’s lives. I think of the people I was only able to get to know and connect with because of Meal Train.
I’m sure all of this has factored in to why I haven’t written on here for a few weeks. (This is the longest stretch of time, thus far, that I have gone without posting a Meal Train update.) There were some other reasons as well, but it has felt a bit like writing on here would only further emphasize that it’s time for me and my writing to be “moved” and that I no longer belong here. Because I will keep writing! I have been writing this past month, even if I wasn’t on here. Writing has become a vital part of my healing journey, and a therapeutic way for me to process through things. You may have noticed, haha!
That being said, however, I’m not ready to “launch” and make public the new blog site quite yet. I am hoping that writing about it here will give me some accountability and momentum for moving forward with that, though. Because how exciting will it be to actually get COMMENTS from people on the things I write?! Or being able to include MORE THAN ONE PICTURE with each post? Or even be able to do simple formatting things like italics, bold text, or underlining? I know, what will I be able to do with all of that literary freedom?
As far as a quick update on the family. Things have been going well with the new feeding tube (SO much better!). The kids are as busy as ever and involved in many things, but it has helped immensely that I only have one day a week now when I work during after school hours. I am so much more available for handling everything with their schedules and physical and emotional needs, and I recognize that we’ve been blessed in many ways to allow that to happen. Lately I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone in new ways as I continue to adjust to this status of being single again. All with it feeling hard to enter in to the holiday season without Mom/Grandma here, as she was central to so many of our annual traditions. Despite her declining health, Mom went above and beyond last year doing holiday things for and with our family, helping us to get through those “firsts” without Kendall and create positive new memories.
We’re trying to handle the grief one day at a time as it sometimes pops up in unexpected ways. Grateful for counseling and the times when an interaction with a friend, or a General Conference talk, passage of scripture, a song, a priesthood blessing, or even reading through an old letter or journal entry, has been just what I needed to help me through a difficult moment. There are so many daily evidences that Heavenly Father continues to be aware of me, that He loves me, and He knows what I and my family ultimately need.
