Do you pick a word to focus on or have as a sort of theme for each new year? I was first introduced to this idea a few years ago, and I’ve enjoyed the annual process of thoughtfully choosing what I want to focus on for the next year. This year, however, I have really struggled with finding a word that felt right. Lofty, noble words (like intentional, gratitude, joy, etc.) just haven’t seemed to fit, and “overwhelmed” didn’t seem particularly inspirational (ha). Then I was speaking with a close (and very wise) friend, and she shared with me a word she and her sisters liked to use to describe life sometimes: smelting. Are you familiar with the process of smelting? It’s messy, and uncomfortable, and often produces unwanted pollution along the way, but…..the end result creates something pure, beautiful, and refined. This feels like a year of smelting for me and for our family. Things are often messy, definitely uncomfortable (or painful), and circumstances are creating unwanted side effects that we’ll probably have to deal with for a very long time, but it’s a reminder that there is a greater purpose and end product on the other side. And by its very nature, smelting is a temporary condition. Things can’t stay in that state indefinitely, just as this experience will pass one way or another for us. I want to come out the other side more pure and refined, and just as smelting requires “help” with the right people, equipment, and conditions, we’re certainly getting help along our journey.
I was blown away with the response to my last update. It felt scary to put myself out there (and even to include my email address) and to share some of the worries I have been carrying for the past several months. I really had tried every avenue I could think of and felt completely stuck. I had been told repeatedly how unlikely it was that an exception would be made in Kendall’s case regarding his housing situation post-transplant, so even though I didn’t have all the details yet it felt like I needed to act. So I don’t think it was a coincidence when so shortly after sharing our story with all of you and asking for help (and so many of you were praying specifically for our situation), that suddenly Kendall’s doctors made the decision that we could try living at home (in Provo) after Kendall is released from the hospital following his transplant. Apparently the crazy schedules and number of medical procedures and tests and appointments that Kendall has already had up until this point (significantly more than a typical leukemia patient) were actually counts in our favor. We’ve shown that we can reliably get him up to the hospital each day, and that we will follow up with his care at home (again, which has been a lot more intense than most patients needing a bone marrow transplant).
Thank you to everyone who reached out to me with ideas, helping me make connections, or just offering words of encouragement and support. I’m still sifting through all the emails, instant messages, and texts. At this point we don’t know if circumstances will change and I will need to move up to Salt Lake with Kendall for a time, but the thought no longer feels suffocating as I realize we have many options. I don’t have answers for everything, and living at home post-transplant will come with its own challenges and complications, but for the moment it feels like it might actually be doable.
We also got the results of some of Kendall’s testing and it does NOT look like he has tuberculosis. Such a relief! As far as we know he still doesn’t have a donor finalized, but we’ll be meeting with his transplant doctor on Friday and should get some questions answered then.
Thank you again, for reaching out to us and helping our family through this “smelting” experience. I’m trying really hard not to whine and complain and to stay somewhat upbeat and positive in these updates, but it is crushingly hard at times. Often. Terrifying, isolating, heavy, sometimes overwhelmingly so, sleepless nights, dark. But we’re doing it. I’m doing it. Kendall is doing incredibly hard things, our kids are every day stepping up and handling situations and circumstances I wish they didn’t have to deal with. I’m grateful it looks like we’ll be able to stay together as a family for these next six months. And I’m so grateful for our “village” that is a lot larger than I realized. Please keep those prayers coming. We need many miracles.
