Despite my misgivings earlier this week, preparing my talk and then getting to speak in stake conference was a wonderful experience. It was humbling to have people come up to me after the meeting and share some of their own difficult experiences, expressing how my message had resonated with or uplifted them as their own spouses have cancer, or they have lost a loved one, etc.
Over the past two years I have had many opportunities to interact with others who are going through hard times. Sometimes people will tell me that they don’t want to “add to my burdens” by sharing their struggles, but I honestly feel it is a privilege when people trust me enough to do so. We connect with each other by being vulnerable, on BOTH sides. It feels good to be the one who is supporting, not always the one needing the support.
The meeting today was streamed, so my dad was able to tape my talk for me. I’m glad he did. I don’t mean this in a narcissistic way, but there have been many times over the past year when revisiting my own words has helped to strengthen or re-anchor me in difficult moments. The link for my talk today is:
https://byu.box.com/s/6yisratfqyfcdg33z6xx60zehzdqhf9r
It was interesting to compare this talk to one that I recorded in June. A friend of mine who lives in California and is in her stake’s Young Women’s presidency had asked if I would be willing to record a 15 minute message that they could play for their girls at girls camp. She had read my Meal Train post about Kintsugi bowls, and felt that it tied in well to their stake theme. I was happy to do so.
I had intended to carefully write out what I was going to say, practice, time it exactly, and probably make several recordings until it was “perfect.” Except then I got Covid, which put a kink in my carefully laid plans. I was coming up on the deadline of when she needed the recording, so I pulled myself out of bed (still fevering), actually got dressed and put on makeup, and decided that I would just have to “wing it.”
Again, what a wonderful experience it was getting to do that. I’m glad that it wasn’t carefully planned out and polished. It was the first time that it didn’t feel difficult or emotional to tell my story, tell Kendall’s story. It was also the first time that I coined the phrase “hinge points.” And it’s obvious, even with being sick with Covid, what a good place I was in then. Listening to that now reminds me that I can get to that place again. So fascinating to compare the differences in the two recordings, despite the basic story and overall message being the same (although I share a lot more of the story on the Young Women’s video).
https://drive.google.com/file/d/14wVsQEQ5QRjb9St8eqha3z-yXVy2lEgo/view?usp=sharing
In my girls camp message I mentioned having changed the screen of my phone to a picture of the Savior when Kendall was sick. That image is still there, and is one of my favorite paintings of Christ, titled “Look to God and Live” by Dan Wilson. It’s not necessarily a happy, smiling picture, but I love that the Savior’s focus is directed toward heaven. It’s been a powerful reminder that I also need to look up, look forward, rather than backward or even sideways. It reminds me where my own focus should be.
I am going to include the text from my talk here so it can be added to our family record (we print out my Meal Train posts). I hope everyone has had a good Sabbath. Love you!
STAKE CONFERENCE TALK
Recently I have found myself in some in-depth conversations with people I care about who have been struggling with their faith, grappling with perceived discrepancies or unanswered questions. Doing so has really made me take stock of what exactly I believe, why I have chosen to not only get on but to stay on the covenant path, even when life has presented me with significant challenges or when I haven’t fully understood why things have happened as they have. Why I still continue to anchor my faith in Jesus Christ, and to trust completely in God’s plan for me and my family.
We all experience those pivotal moments when our choices and consequent actions determine if we will keep on the covenant path, even though it may feel easier to go another way. I like to call those kinds of life-changing decisions “hinge points” in our lives. Those moments when a seemingly small decision will end up profoundly impacting the trajectory and overall direction that our life is going to take, when we get to choose if we will move closer to or farther away from God. Because being on the covenant path really is not a static thing.
I was faced with one such hinge moment two years ago, when I learned that the tumor my husband had just had removed during an extensive and risky surgery, the same tumor that had completely broken his back, was in fact an extremely rare and particularly aggressive type of leukemia. I knew then that things were not going to be going back to “normal” for our family as we had hoped and prayed for. I could so clearly see that how we chose to respond to this unwanted trial would have far-reaching effects for our family. Certainly there was the temptation to give in to despair, to concentrate on the unfairness of it all, perhaps even to blame or feel abandoned by God. But the very conscious decision we then made together as a family to choose faith, to keep our focus on Jesus Christ, and to intentionally express gratitude, made all the difference in how we would then experience, during a global pandemic, the next unbelievably intense seven months until my husband would pass away in March of 2021. It has also made a difference during the even more difficult 16 months that have followed.
Despite the challenges that at times have seemed nearly insurmountable, I know that, “the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Nephi 3:7) I have full confidence that the Lord will continue to be with me, with each of us, as we move forward in faith and strive to do the things He, often through His prophet, has asked of us.
In our last General Conference President Nelson spoke about the importance of having positive spiritual momentum, propelling us forward along that covenant path. If you’ll remember, he gave us five suggestions of how to do so successfully. The first, of course, is to Get on the covenant path and stay there. I would venture to guess that the majority of those listening today have at one point made that initial decision to get on the covenant path, have likely already entered into that baptismal covenant with our Father in Heaven.
But to stay on that path requires President Nelson’s second point, where he invites us to Discover the joy of daily repentance. We renew all of our covenants each week as we partake of the sacrament, but we also need the constant course corrections that repentance provides. Exercising faith is not a “one and done” deal. Despite being able to see how I’ve been refined, the ways I know I have grown and my faith has been strengthened through the experience of my husband’s cancer and being widowed, when my mother passed away four weeks ago it really shook me. There have been those hinge moments again when I have needed to make the choice over and over to rely on my Savior and continue to do those practices that keep me on the covenant path, to remain faithful, despite the pain and overwhelming loss.
It hasn’t been easy, isn’t easy. But I can recognize that when I and my family have chosen to exercise faith, we have been able to apply President Nelson’s third admonition to Learn about God and how He works, which has led to some very powerful and personal lessons and experiences. President Nelson reminds us that, “…we need daily experiences worshiping the Lord and studying His gospel. I plead with you to let God prevail in your life. Give Him a fair share of your time. As you do, notice what happens to your positive spiritual momentum.”
Throughout my life I have learned that the times when I’ve been the most overwhelmed or discouraged, when I have struggled the most, without fail I can identify that I haven’t been being as diligent with those fundamentals like scripture study, or meaningful prayers, or attending the temple regularly. Conversely, though, I am always surprised at how quickly the Lord blesses me and I feel an increase in the Spirit whenever I recommit to those things after a period of being more lax. It happens Every. Single. Time. No exceptions. So I’m not sure why that’s a lesson that I keep having to learn over and over and over again.
That leads me to point #4, that as we move forward on this covenant path we should Seek and expect miracles. The miracles don’t always come in the way we expect or want. While it is true that our family did not get the grand miracle of healing for either my husband or my mother that we desperately wanted, it’s humbling, and frankly astounding, to realize how many mountains have been removed from our path, and how through the enabling power of Christ’s Atonement we have been able to make it through circumstances that were well beyond our ability to tackle on our own. During my husband’s illness, the word “miracle” became a part of our family’s regular vocabulary. We intentionally made note of the miracles we were witnessing each day. We continue to experience them.
It can be so easy to get distracted by the busy-ness and just messiness of life, to become blind to recognizing those daily tender mercies. But doing so does become easier with practice. When my husband was sick, I started keeping a daily gratitude journal. Some days have certainly been harder than others to fill that list, but it continues to amaze me that there are things every single day that are evidences of God’s love and His watchful care.
President Nelson’s fifth point was to End conflict in your personal life. I think that “conflict” can be broadly defined as anything that separates us from the Spirit. That being said, Heavenly Father certainly understands things like grief, trauma, depression, or anxiety. All of those may seem beyond our control and can make it difficult to feel the Spirit for a time, but thankfully help is available and we don’t need to stay stuck there. But a temper, holding a grudge, pride, or making poor choices, perhaps even things like complacency or apathy, or internalizing destructive self talk ARE well within our control and can put us in conflict with allowing the Lord to prevail in our lives and continue that positive spiritual momentum along the covenant path.
In looking back on my life, but these past two years in particular, I can honestly say that I would not trade the experiences I have had because of the person they have helped me to become and how they have brought me closer to my Savior. And if you had asked me 6 weeks ago I would have told you I had never been happier or more at peace in my life. I may not be there quite yet in processing and grieving the loss of my mother, but I know I can get to that point again. I do trust that the Lord will be able to use this experience for my good as well, to strengthen me in new ways. There is no doubt in my mind that God loves me, is aware of me, and understands what I am going through. The same is true for every one of His children. I hold fast to His promises and the covenants I have made with him. I know that the Atonement is very real in my life, and I have faith in the Plan of Salvation. I know that God speaks to us through the Holy Ghost, just as He speaks to His living prophet, President Nelson.
Brothers and sisters, a prophet of the Lord has promised us that we will be able to not only move forward on the covenant path, but with increased momentum, despite whatever obstacles we face. Death and discouragement, financial setbacks and personal failures, health challenges, bitter disappointments, the struggles of loved ones…no matter the obstacle, we have been promised that we can do this. In D&C 45 the Lord counsels us to “Be not troubled, for, when all these things shall come to pass, ye may know that the promises which have been made unto you shall be fulfilled.” May we each be blessed in our efforts to get on, stay on, and move forward on the covenant path. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
