Restoring. That’s such a great word. So is re-anchoring. I mentioned that I didn’t think my mom’s passing was the same sort of hinge moment for me that Kendall’s was. I’m now not as sure. I can sense that were I to allow it, this experience could still break me, make me bitter or cynical, damaged. These emotions have been so strong, really have been the “waves” that I talked about, and I’m finding that I need to regularly reexamine what it is that is anchoring me so I don’t lose myself amidst all of this. It’s knocking me down in different ways, some that I didn’t expect. So I’m going back to those fundamental beliefs, the things I KNOW are true. There are many of them. I’m also asking, what have I learned that can help me to weather this? It feels like I’m needing to relearn those things all over again. And can I reconcile (again) the fact that turning to and relying on God does not remove the loneliness and grief? The short answer is absolutely yes, I can.
I’ve also been taking a step back and trying to see the situation from a more removed perspective, wondering just how this will change me. How it has already changed me. That can be difficult in the middle of all the pain, but I really am much better at mindfulness and self analyzing than I used to be. That feels like a two-edged sword sometimes, as I’m trying to embrace and experience even the difficult emotions, rather than suppressing or numbing them like I want to.
I’m grateful for the good place I got to before Mom’s passing, the happiness and peace that I experienced. What a blessing those weeks were. I’m not there now, but I know that I can experience it again. I can be restored. I WILL be restored back to that place. I will. Feeling set back like this, though, it’s hard to be patient (again) with the process. There’s no timetable, either, no end date I can look forward to and work toward of “now things will finally feel easier.” Right now the loss feels too raw, but intellectually I do believe that it’s possible for this experience to further refine me if I will let it, to help me become an even better person, more Christlike. It won’t automatically, but it CAN. Even if the process feels excruciating at times. Even if I don’t WANT to go through this.
I think I may have sounded a bit whiny in these past two entries. That’s really not my overall mindset. But I’m hurting, and it feels important to acknowledge those uncomfortable emotions and moments too. The process, the becoming, it’s hard. Worth it, but hard. And still often lonely.