Last week over spring break the kids and I were able to get away for a few days to stay at a resort in Midway. A massive thank you to the wonderful group of college friends who so generously made the trip possible for our family. Despite Midway being quite close to us (only about half an hour away), neither the kids or I had ever been there – or more importantly, had never been there with Kendall. Midway is a very tiny, quiet town, which is exactly what we needed. It has been so busy at our house since Kendall passed; we hadn’t yet had any real quiet family-only time to mourn and reminisce and start to process some things. I even brought special journals for each of us for the kids to start to write “Daddy memories” in each evening.
So while this was a much-needed time away, it was also really hard. Hard being the only parent. Hard facing and talking about some things. Hard figuring out the logistics of traveling and unloading and making plans. Just plain hard without Kendall there. I’ve been surprised at how quiet it is without him. I’m the “loud” talkative one! But there is a lot less laughter without him. And I’m discovering that I’m much less confident without his steadying influence and consistent support. That has also surprised me, since I would have classified myself as a capable, decisive, action-oriented person before. But we’re all adjusting to what will become a new normal.
It’s also not just the grief and profound sense of loss, but starting to unpack all of the trauma from the past year (and particularly those last five weeks in the ICU) that is proving to be tricky. And painful. And can’t be rushed. There are a lot of pretty terrible images and experiences inside my head that I don’t ever want to talk about, and certainly haven’t shared on here (and frankly, wouldn’t be appropriate to). But I’m finding I can’t just “push through” and not address things. So I’m trying to be patient with myself, and with the process, seeking professional help, and relying on Heavenly Father to help get me through this as well. No matter what lessons I learned in the past seven months, I know that if I don’t continue to feed and strengthen my testimony, continuing to do those daily practices of prayer and scripture study and choosing to focus on my Savior, then I stand in danger of losing that precious and dramatic growth I gained over this experience. And as much as I hate to admit it, I recognize that this next chapter is probably going to be even harder and demand even more of me. I need that added strength more than ever.
Because unfortunately, life doesn’t just stop and get “easy” now that Kendall’s trials are behind him (us?). There are a lot of decisions to make, financial and legal matters to attend to, and my kids need me more than ever. We’re also jumping right back in to navigating the medical world as one of my children last Friday was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening medical condition (and if you’d believe it, is quite rare – although not “Kendall-standard rare” of course). Meaning we get to re-enter the world of specialists and figuring out treatment plans and next steps.
So upward and onward, because what other choice is there? Only this time we’re more tired and worn down and bruised and hurting, and so painfully aware of how fragile life can be. Thank you for the many prayers that continue to be offered in behalf of our family. I’m so grateful for this Meal Train “family” that has developed for us. Wish us luck as we re-enter the “real world” this week!