Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

Or make that more like 344,100 minutes. Because how is it already August and this is my first post for 2025? One could argue that I haven't needed this blog of late in the same way I used to. It's true that I have a living, breathing partner here with me every day with whom I can process my (many! oh so many!) thoughts on life, the…

Do you ever have seemingly silly things that give you little jolts of happiness every time you see or think of them? I have always loved looking for and identifying those. I have a "Happy Book" full of them. A recent one for me is this vending machine here. I've wanted one in my clinic for a while, and for some reason, having one here now feels…

No surprise, but this past week I've been contemplating what I wanted my focus word to be for 2025, as well as critiquing how I think I did with my word from 2024. To be honest, not great for 2024. Or rather, I give myself mixed reviews. The word I chose was RECONNECT. At the end of 2023 I acknowledged that there were "many parts of myself…

Well, it had to happen sometime. I finally had to buy toothpaste. For those who may not have been following this blog for the past several years, an early grief trigger I had revolved around needing to buy toothpaste. (Sounds so silly to say that now, but at the time, it was hard.) I wrote about it in this blog post: https://stillbeingsmelted.com/i-now-lose-every-time/ After I wrote that post…

It's interesting how much we miss when only viewing a person from the outside. Oh, there are a lot of things we can observe. Does a person's smile reach their eyes? Is their voice animated or despondent? What about the tells of body language when they think no one is watching? I would hope that someone observing me would come to the conclusion that I am generally…

I know, isn't that wind-swept hair AMAZING? So what have I been up to for the past three months? (We're going to pretend that you are dying of interest instead of your more likely state of total indifference as you've probably forgotten I and this blog exist because it's been so long since I last posted...) Life seems to move at only one speed for me, and…

Spring is coming, guys! Yes, I know that in Utah we play our annual teasing back and forth game between real spring and winter not quite loosening its hold over our weather, but it does such wonders for my soul when we finally emerge from those darker, colder months. Sun! Flowers. Birds. GREEN! And warmth, which also means less pain. Perhaps it was not a coincidence that…

I was recently called as an organist for my ward (church congregation), to play during our main worship service (sacrament meeting). Would it surprise you that after I was issued the call, I went home and cried? It's true, and not a little bit either. I'm not exactly proud of it, but this calling has proven to be not only physically difficult for me, but emotionally as…

This brain o' mine is always working. Yes, even the foggy/widow/trauma brain version (just maybe not as effectively then, haha). There have been many moments when I've wished I could take a break and turn off all of that thinking. Do you ever feel that way? I'm kind of jealous of men's ability (or so I've been told) to at times literally not be thinking anything. What…

Do you also feel like the majority of my posts are my sharing some hard thing (or many of them piled on top of one another) that has been happening, showing that we're "getting through it," and then forcing myself to see (and write about) a positive side? Or buckling down and then through sheer grit and determination staying committed to choosing faith despite things feeling so…