Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

I realized that in the past year and a half I have never directly written a post addressing sleep, or rather the struggles with it, that can often accompany experiences of great stress or trauma. Insomnia is a VERY common symptom with widowhood, likely is with any sort of great loss. And while I am not an expert on sleep and sleep hygiene or handling sleep disorders,…

What an amazing and miraculous life I have been privileged to live, am living. I mean that sincerely. I do. For so many reasons, not least of which the several instances recently when it has been undeniably evident how the Lord was guiding things in my life, timing or circumstances that really were miracles. I was discussing that very concept with my children tonight during our scripture…

I meant to get something written about General Conference before now and it simply didn't happen yesterday. I love love LOVE General Conference weekend, which happens every April and October, and is a time when our church leaders are able to share messages with the world about the Savior and other gospel topics. They are WONDERFUL, and each time I come away feeling strengthened and finding answers…

After so many hard "anniversaries" I've gone through these past months, I'm pleased to say that remembering Kenny's funeral from exactly a year ago really does not feel hard today. Yes, that was an emotional day. Of course it was. But more than anything it was so wonderful to be able to share and celebrate his life, and to (finally!) connect with family and friends. I know…

I really didn't know what to expect or prepare for after I (we) passed that one year anniversary. After the grueling work of these past weeks and months, would there be an inevitable "crashing" immediately afterward or some sort of let down when the 25th wasn't suddenly and magically different? Now granted, I realize I am not VERY far past March 24th at all, and I absolutely…

I know, that sounded a bit pessimistic. I'm not really thinking about my life as some sort of drudgery or something I merely have to "get through" somehow. I do sincerely love living, love this life of mine I get to experience, even with the hard parts. But today has felt both like it has been such a long time since March 24, 2021, that a lifetime…

I'm going to preface this post by admitting that I am in a weird headspace right now, which will likely color what I end up saying. But I'm banking on that whole "admitting something on Meal Train makes it feel not quite so hard" pattern I have going on here, as well as the therapeutic value I find in writing out the things that are in my…

I am not a soda drinker. My guilty pleasure(s) would never come from Sodalicious or Swig. While there were several times during Kendall's illness that I was tempted to turn to some sort of highly caffeinated beverage to keep me going, especially during those exhausting daily drives to and from the hospital, I knew that if I started down that road it would be hard to stop.…

It's been no secret that I have been spending a lot of time recently revisiting (maybe even reliving a bit), processing, and learning from the past. As we draw closer to this "climax" of the anniversary of Kendall's death next week, I have been thinking more about the experience as a whole. What overall lessons were there? In what ways was the Lord's hand evident throughout all…

All day I have been asking myself, why has today felt so hard and emotional, when a year ago it was actually a relatively "good" day at the hospital? The first one Kendall had had since being in the ICU, in fact. Shouldn't it feel good to be remembering how hopeful that day was? Kendall was off the ventilator, had actually WALKED a few steps (with a…