Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

I am not a soda drinker. My guilty pleasure(s) would never come from Sodalicious or Swig. While there were several times during Kendall's illness that I was tempted to turn to some sort of highly caffeinated beverage to keep me going, especially during those exhausting daily drives to and from the hospital, I knew that if I started down that road it would be hard to stop.…

It's been no secret that I have been spending a lot of time recently revisiting (maybe even reliving a bit), processing, and learning from the past. As we draw closer to this "climax" of the anniversary of Kendall's death next week, I have been thinking more about the experience as a whole. What overall lessons were there? In what ways was the Lord's hand evident throughout all…

All day I have been asking myself, why has today felt so hard and emotional, when a year ago it was actually a relatively "good" day at the hospital? The first one Kendall had had since being in the ICU, in fact. Shouldn't it feel good to be remembering how hopeful that day was? Kendall was off the ventilator, had actually WALKED a few steps (with a…

This picture was taken a few weeks ago after an especially hard crying session. When I look at that photo now, I can't help feeling a sort of pride for how far I know I have come throughout this journey, especially recently. I have wanted all along to be "strong," yet still had so many nights feeling alone with my pain that I tried to hide the…

Lots of different thoughts a swirlin' here. Shall we see where they lead? You know, I really am a fundamentally happy, optimistic, hopeful person by nature (especially without the interference of anxiety or depression), even amidst the grief and trauma responses I've been working through this past year. I really do love life, even with all of the demands and exhaustion and challenges there have been. Truly,…

I've mentioned a few times how shy or reserved I used to be. While there's no question I am more outgoing and self-confident than I was as a child, I think a more accurate description would be that I have always been an extrovert, just one who used to have really bad social anxiety. I have ALWAYS needed interactions and connections with other people to help me…

I have a bit of a love hate relationship with the mail now. Take today, for instance. I got a birthday card with a lovely message from a friend. Loved that. I also got an unexpected medical bill for Kendall for nearly $5,000 (yes, that is my portion). I have no idea how long those will keep trickling in (years?), so it doesn't feel like I can…

I had a discussion with my book club about talents the other day that has really had me thinking. As a society we tend to emphasize showy talents, like those we've seen demonstrated during the Olympics, or famous musicians, or amazing artistic talent. And yes, those are talents worth celebrating. But I think that too often we tend to overlook what our own talents are. It can…

Today seemed like it would be a formula for having a very difficult day. It started with an early EMDR session (and exactly one year ago today was one of the worst days, for many reasons), after which I immediately left to attend a funeral. Not only was it my first LDS funeral since Kendall's (I'm afraid I haven't been able to muster up the courage before…

I've alluded to the fact that January 21 - March 24 were going to be, or have been, (and certainly currently are) incredibly difficult for me. For whatever reason, the way my brain has decided to make sense of what occurred during Kendall's illness, to grapple with some of those horrific experiences, has been to closely tie everything to the dates when they originally occurred. There have…