Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

For the first few months of Kendall's illness I felt very alone, so isolated from others. It wasn't just the physical isolation that was forced upon us because of the pandemic, which was incredibly difficult. It was also knowing that literally no one else had ever gone through what our family was going through. No one else in the world had ever had Kendall's EXACT diagnoses (especially…

We are a family of readers. The librarians at our local library told us we were the first ones they had ever seen actually reach the insanely high limit of (many 100's of) items you are allowed to check out at a time. Weekly library trips were just a part of our routine. My daughter read over 50,000 pages more than the second place winner of a…

This has happened a few times, when I'll have a day (or a week...) I'm feeling particularly unsettled or emotional and I'm not able to immediately pinpoint why, only to then recall what significant thing was happening exactly one year ago that my brain was subconsciously remembering. That was the case today, and explains a lot of the heaviness and extra grief I've been feeling. January 21,…

In a recent therapy session my counselor pointed out that, "Suzanne, you have at least three or four full-time jobs right now." And it's true. I have always been involved in many things (probably taking on more than I should far too often), but nothing in my life has compared to the unreal amount of demands there are on my time now. It is physically impossible for…

OK, I promise I'm not going to just keep quoting old letters in these updates that are of way more interest to me than anyone else. But bear with me for a few more here. I feel so grateful for my 18/19/20-year old self and the things I put down in writing, for the optimism and general enthusiasm for life I felt and shared at the time.…

Wow, a lot has happened in just this first week and a half of the new year. I know that we're not very far in yet, but I have really taken to heart my decision to embrace things in my life. I am loving and feeling more "on" with my work, feeling more present with my kids, and overall I have felt so very joyful. I think…

Want to know something interesting? As time is passing, more and more in my head I find myself thinking of Kendall as "Kenny." He was Kenny all growing up, when we first met and started dating, and until about one year into our married life when he decided to start going by Kendall. Meaning he's been Kendall for more than 18 years, far longer than I knew…

How's that for a cheery title for my first post in 2022? I'm sure every couple has funny habits and back and forth interactions unique to just them, many that would seem really strange or funny to observing outsiders. Kendall and I had an ongoing and (mostly) unspoken underlying competition going on, over.....toothpaste tubes. That's right. We would eke out every last molecule of toothpaste from the…

I am really appreciating this week between Christmas and New Year's as a time of introspection. I think I finally feel ready to leave 2021 behind. I wasn't before, as it felt like a tether to Kendall I wasn't yet willing to sever. I'm finding myself more and more looking forward to the future, though, rather than constantly feeling trapped in the past (but still learning from…

I read recently that there is no goal setting with grief. That's certainly been my experience thus far. No universal guidebook, no real predictability. It's been a difficult thing to accept for someone who has always been goal driven, project-oriented, or used to working really hard and then accomplishing whatever she set out to do. Giving up any illusion of control is uncomfortable on many levels. So,…