Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

In a recent therapy session my counselor pointed out that, "Suzanne, you have at least three or four full-time jobs right now." And it's true. I have always been involved in many things (probably taking on more than I should far too often), but nothing in my life has compared to the unreal amount of demands there are on my time now. It is physically impossible for…

OK, I promise I'm not going to just keep quoting old letters in these updates that are of way more interest to me than anyone else. But bear with me for a few more here. I feel so grateful for my 18/19/20-year old self and the things I put down in writing, for the optimism and general enthusiasm for life I felt and shared at the time.…

Wow, a lot has happened in just this first week and a half of the new year. I know that we're not very far in yet, but I have really taken to heart my decision to embrace things in my life. I am loving and feeling more "on" with my work, feeling more present with my kids, and overall I have felt so very joyful. I think…

Want to know something interesting? As time is passing, more and more in my head I find myself thinking of Kendall as "Kenny." He was Kenny all growing up, when we first met and started dating, and until about one year into our married life when he decided to start going by Kendall. Meaning he's been Kendall for more than 18 years, far longer than I knew…

How's that for a cheery title for my first post in 2022? I'm sure every couple has funny habits and back and forth interactions unique to just them, many that would seem really strange or funny to observing outsiders. Kendall and I had an ongoing and (mostly) unspoken underlying competition going on, over.....toothpaste tubes. That's right. We would eke out every last molecule of toothpaste from the…

I am really appreciating this week between Christmas and New Year's as a time of introspection. I think I finally feel ready to leave 2021 behind. I wasn't before, as it felt like a tether to Kendall I wasn't yet willing to sever. I'm finding myself more and more looking forward to the future, though, rather than constantly feeling trapped in the past (but still learning from…

I read recently that there is no goal setting with grief. That's certainly been my experience thus far. No universal guidebook, no real predictability. It's been a difficult thing to accept for someone who has always been goal driven, project-oriented, or used to working really hard and then accomplishing whatever she set out to do. Giving up any illusion of control is uncomfortable on many levels. So,…

Sorry to have left things on a bit of a downer with that last post. I've been sick the past two weeks. No, not COVID. It snuck up on me gradually, starting out as what I thought was an asthma cough, then settling into my chest and deciding to eventually take a turn toward pneumonia (but caught early, thank heavens). Don't worry, I'm fine, and feeling very…

Navigating widowhood has been an absolute dichotomy of emotions. The loneliness that is always present, even when I seem to genuinely smile or am surrounded by friends. The sadness that doesn't ever leave me, even during the times I also feel joy (such a strange combination). The indescribable ache that is with me constantly, even amidst the feelings of gratitude and hope that also permeate my days.…

Lately my leisure wear of choice is what I would refer to as "Widow Snark." Wearing it feels like a kind of shield, offering an excuse to the world of why I am so often only barely holding it together. A pass of sorts, a defense mechanism. OK, and I also just think it's funny. (Although for some reason, most people don't think my shirt that says,…