Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

I read recently that there is no goal setting with grief. That's certainly been my experience thus far. No universal guidebook, no real predictability. It's been a difficult thing to accept for someone who has always been goal driven, project-oriented, or used to working really hard and then accomplishing whatever she set out to do. Giving up any illusion of control is uncomfortable on many levels. So,…

Sorry to have left things on a bit of a downer with that last post. I've been sick the past two weeks. No, not COVID. It snuck up on me gradually, starting out as what I thought was an asthma cough, then settling into my chest and deciding to eventually take a turn toward pneumonia (but caught early, thank heavens). Don't worry, I'm fine, and feeling very…

Navigating widowhood has been an absolute dichotomy of emotions. The loneliness that is always present, even when I seem to genuinely smile or am surrounded by friends. The sadness that doesn't ever leave me, even during the times I also feel joy (such a strange combination). The indescribable ache that is with me constantly, even amidst the feelings of gratitude and hope that also permeate my days.…

Lately my leisure wear of choice is what I would refer to as "Widow Snark." Wearing it feels like a kind of shield, offering an excuse to the world of why I am so often only barely holding it together. A pass of sorts, a defense mechanism. OK, and I also just think it's funny. (Although for some reason, most people don't think my shirt that says,…

There are some triggers that I can fully anticipate and plan around. I knew, for instance, that it would be hard for me the first time after Kendall's death that I had to drive past the freeway exit to Huntsman. So I responsibly made arrangements for my sister to be the driver (we were headed together to a family reunion) and I breathed through it, albeit with…

Someone suggested to me tonight that that might be an appropriate title for my book. Her recommendation came as we were standing outside my house, shivering in the freezing cold, bathed in the glow of the flashing lights from the firetruck and ambulance that were parked out front of the house from which my family had just been evacuated. We sure continue to keep things interesting for…

When I saw an email in my inbox with this heading, my initial reaction was to assume it was some kind of spam message, something along the lines of "Holiday Greetings from Lowe's!" I'm so glad I didn't unwittingly delete or ignore it. Last week someone contacted Kendall's brother (who lives in Burbank and writes cartoons like Boss Baby and the Penguins of Madagascar) and said they…

Would it surprise you to know how excited and relieved I was when the CDC announced that the vaccine was approved for kids 5-11 years? That my youngest two were definitely going to be getting the vaccine the very first day it was possible? Here we are, a mere THREE DAYS before we'd finally "made it through," kept everyone safe through this pandemic, could sleep a little…

Can I just say that it is a little bit creepy to be designing my own headstone, especially the week of Halloween? So weird. And since it is mine as well as Kendall's marker, I'm really over-thinking every part of this, wanting it to be "just right." Personal but not cheesy, representative of both of us, not anything that feels trendy or won't wear well.... decisions, decisions.…

What a blessing to have been studying Doctrine and Covenants 121 this past week. Yes, I love the Lord's comforting words to Joseph Smith of "peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." I know that this incredibly difficult year of "smelting" will indeed pass, and all things considered will be but a small moment in my story. Despite…