Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

A huge thank you to everyone who reached out to me and let me know they had donated blood (or are going to), in honor of Kendall. I felt privileged to be able to be included in that group. In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised at how emotional donating blood ended up being for me. (Yes, I totally cried, which kind of freaked out my…

The past few weeks I have been really pondering a passage from 1 Nephi 1:20 (in the Book of Mormon) that reminds us that, "the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." I know I have gotten better at recognizing the many tender mercies, or personalized blessings,…

This will be a pretty random post, but I've had a lot of loose odds and ends rolling around in my head that didn't make it into previous entries. I want to get the details recorded so I don't forget them (or to clarify some things). I'd also like to "purge" my brain so that hopefully I'll be able to sleep better than I did last night…

One thing that has been interesting as I navigate this new post-loss life has been trying to identify what my true needs are, and then how to meet those needs without Kendall here. I'm still figuring things out, but so far two big ones have become pretty evident: 1. I need human touch. Badly. I would never have previously considered physical touch to be my love language…

Deep breath, as we're about to dive in this week to the start of a new school year. After the disrupted and crazy year we had last year, my kids are understandably nervous about this upcoming school year. Kendall used to give each of the kids a priesthood blessing before the first day of school. I'm grateful that my dad was able to come over tonight to…

As promised, August is shaping up to be a really hard (and heavy, and extremely emotional) month. I could feel things steadily building for weeks and sure enough a dread and overall weight settled in as the month started. (On the suggestion of some friends I'm having a T-shirt made that says "I Survived August." Anyone want to party with me on September 1st?) Yes, I made…

I recently learned that my stake (a group of local church congregations) will be holding a blood drive on August 27th. You may remember (or perhaps not) that August 27th is Kendall's birthday, as well as the day we began our cancer journey last year. My feelings about blood have certainly changed after our experiences of the past year. So much of our days were spent monitoring…

The truth is, despite what people may think or tell me, I'm not particularly strong. I'm simply a very ordinary human, with very real human emotions and struggles. But what I am is consistently strengthened. No question about that. And I know I am trying, and consciously choosing each day to exercise faith, to trust, and to express gratitude despite the hard. And there is a beautiful…

I did it, I did it, I. DID. IT. Experienced it, remembered it, faced it, got through it. And IT WAS OK. I'm really so very proud of myself. Exactly what, you may be asking, amazing and momentous accomplishment did I actually do? I went back and read through all of my Meal Train posts. My first time doing so. Writing these posts for Meal Train has…

I've been pondering the concept of miracles, and how often they occur in our lives. If only we'll keep our eyes open to seeing them. It's not the miracles that stop, but so often our sight is blinded (by grief? pain? depression? busy-ness?) that we fail to acknowledge them. I was recalling some of the small, but miraculous, tender mercies that occurred during the past year for…