Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

Thanks, Chumbawamba. (I tell you, some of the names of these 90's bands...!) And one simply cannot think about that song without mentally finishing the phrase, of course. BUT I GET UP AGAIN. That's what we do, right? Get knocked down and then get up again? And again, and again, and again.... It's probably good that I waited until today to write this update, because yesterday I…

I recently came across my high school senior yearbook. I don't think I have looked at it or any other high school memorabilia for at least ten years. What a fun trip down memory lane, seeing faces or reading messages from so many people I have fond memories of but hadn't thought of for a long time. And check out what babies we were back then! High…

Yesterday was the six month mark. Why did this one feel so much harder than five months, or four? I don't know, but saying it's been more than half a year just feels so....long. And for some reason things feel more, well, permanent somehow. Certainly it didn't help that this week we also went through Kendall's shirts. This was the first time I've done so since he…

This past week has really been one of personal discovery for me. Not only observing a nation in mourning and sharing in remembrance with the 20th anniversary of 9-11, but it was altogether a different experience seeing all of the tributes and memorializing through my own lens of personal grief. Then even closer to home, a very dear friend of mine tragically and unexpectedly lost her significant…

A huge thank you to everyone who reached out to me and let me know they had donated blood (or are going to), in honor of Kendall. I felt privileged to be able to be included in that group. In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised at how emotional donating blood ended up being for me. (Yes, I totally cried, which kind of freaked out my…

The past few weeks I have been really pondering a passage from 1 Nephi 1:20 (in the Book of Mormon) that reminds us that, "the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." I know I have gotten better at recognizing the many tender mercies, or personalized blessings,…

This will be a pretty random post, but I've had a lot of loose odds and ends rolling around in my head that didn't make it into previous entries. I want to get the details recorded so I don't forget them (or to clarify some things). I'd also like to "purge" my brain so that hopefully I'll be able to sleep better than I did last night…

One thing that has been interesting as I navigate this new post-loss life has been trying to identify what my true needs are, and then how to meet those needs without Kendall here. I'm still figuring things out, but so far two big ones have become pretty evident: 1. I need human touch. Badly. I would never have previously considered physical touch to be my love language…

Deep breath, as we're about to dive in this week to the start of a new school year. After the disrupted and crazy year we had last year, my kids are understandably nervous about this upcoming school year. Kendall used to give each of the kids a priesthood blessing before the first day of school. I'm grateful that my dad was able to come over tonight to…

As promised, August is shaping up to be a really hard (and heavy, and extremely emotional) month. I could feel things steadily building for weeks and sure enough a dread and overall weight settled in as the month started. (On the suggestion of some friends I'm having a T-shirt made that says "I Survived August." Anyone want to party with me on September 1st?) Yes, I made…