Posts by Suzanne Sawyer-Espinoza

I am frequently asked the question, "How are you doing?" I don't really mind, despite how complicated it can feel now to answer that. I understand the kind intent behind the query and I do want to stay caught up with and connected to others. It's often difficult for me to formulate an answer, though. First off, I don't know (or want to seem to presume) if…

Even with widow brain (still a thing!), I would say that I have a better than average long term memory. While my short term memory is far from amazing now, there are moments from the past that I really can remember with astounding detail (there are several people who could back me up on this). I'm a very visual person, and when I think back on a…

This blog has provided a front row seat to my own journey with grief, has been a safe space for me to work through thoughts and feelings. I've been pretty open about things that have been painful and difficult. I also know that it has been evident how much I have learned and grown throughout all of this, for which I am grateful. If you had asked…

Did you know that I am actually relieved when people tell me no after I ask for help with something? Really. One side effect of having had so many big, relatively public trials and seemingly continual tragedies going on here is that people will naturally feel sorry for us, and when they learn about our circumstances they usually want to help. Not a bad thing, right? Except…

Hey now, I'm not talking about anything untoward or illegal involving drugs here! (Um, that was probably obvious, Suzanne. *eye roll*) But I absolutely am a "pusher." It's just what I do. I push through hard things. I push past pain. I push myself to achieve things. I push myself to my limits. And while there have been many times my ability to keep going has benefited…

Coming across this picture has had me thinking about how life is full of so many "before _________" and "after ___________" divisions. Of course, many of those are only clear in hindsight. We don't typically know when something is going to be a last, or when some unanticipated life-changing event was just on the horizon. Or sometimes we do sense that. We know that the birth of…

I will be attending an LDS Widow/Widower conference in Salt Lake later this week. (Seems like there are a lot of those, right? For some reason they are all front-loaded in the calendar this year. Fun for me now, though!) In preparation for the conference a request was made for people to record videos, to talk in three minutes or less about some of the miracles we…

Sometimes I wonder if reading these posts makes it seem like I'm constantly all over the place with my emotions. While it is true that I do feel things deeply, and I can be more emotion-driven rather than purely logic based, for the most part I am simply going through life fairly content and happy. I do use these posts sometimes to work through difficult emotions, though,…

I was in a really weird head space when I wrote that last blog entry. Not sure it's such a great idea for me to be processing through things so late at night (especially in a public forum), when without other things to occupy or distract me some of those unsettling memories can so easily force themselves to the surface. In reading back through it the next…

Have you ever considered what a miracle blood is? I mean, really? I've actually thought a great deal about blood over the past few years, and especially recently. Blood represents and sustains life. We use the word "blood" to denote family relationships. With modern medicine people can compassionately donate their own blood to save the lives of others. Blood can have religious symbolism. And for some encountering…