Breaking the Bonds of Death

Spring is coming, guys! Yes, I know that in Utah we play our annual teasing back and forth game between real spring and winter not quite loosening its hold over our weather, but it does such wonders for my soul when we finally emerge from those darker, colder months. Sun! Flowers. Birds. GREEN! And warmth, which also means less pain. Perhaps it was not a coincidence that this is also the time of year when I get to move past the worst of my PTSD symptoms and relentless awful anniversaries and memories. It’s rebirth all around. I can see that slowly, bit by bit, things are getting “easier” as more time passes, but January, February, and March have still been really hard. It’s been a daily battle to try and be emotionally regulated, and I’m not always patient or compassionate with myself when things can *still* feel so difficult at times.

I listened to a speaker recently who talked about how the Savior not only broke the bonds of death after we die through His resurrection, but He can also break the bonds of death for those of us still living. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Surely profound grief, mental illness, even the worst PTSD or trauma symptoms, could be considered “bonds of death” that we can suffer after losing a loved one. It has made me ask myself, am I actively turning to the Savior and allowing Him to break those bonds for me?

Don’t misunderstand. Of course we miss those we love when we are separated from them for a time. I’ve come to view sorrow as a sacred part of our mortal experience, and I’ve learned how passing through it can expand our capacity to feel true joy. But are those bonds keeping us bound, tied down, or holding us back? Are we stuck in our grief or too quick to excuse behavior because we’re grieving or dealing with the aftermath of trauma? Am I? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I do know that while I believe all healing is possible through the Atonement, I’ve been pondering if I fully accept that Jesus Christ can completely break those bonds for me now, before the Resurrection. What exactly would that look like? It has given me pause.

I’ll admit, my experiences with the organ have poked some real grief triggers and insecurities for me, and it wasn’t really about sitting and pushing some keys and pedals. You could probably tell that from my last post. Felt like I was riding a lot of emotional waves there for a while.

But lest I seem ungrateful, what about the numerous good things that have been happening amidst the inevitably difficult ones? (That’s life, after all.) There have been, and continue to be, many of them.

First off, I get to do BYU’s Education Week again this year! Yes, I applied and was invited back to be a presenter. Hooray, hooray, hooray! I’m finding more and more that I really enjoy doing things like that. (Anyone need a fireside speaker? Hint, hint….) I hope to continue doing Education Week each year, more LDS Widow-Widower Conferences, maybe Women’s Conference someday, and I’m starting to do some teacher and parent training classes and presenting in other venues. I’m also toying with the idea of creating some online professional content (materials, maybe even courses), perhaps even a book or two in the future (after The Book gets done, of course). I’m grateful for the new flexibility I have to pursue some different passions now that we are a duel income family and not solely reliant on my monthly paycheck. So yes, I have some grand plans. Stay tuned!

Then there is the class that Jaime and I have been teaching each Tuesday evening as a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ My Hometown initiative. We teach a free English class for children 8-12 years of age (while their parents are also in English classes), and next week I will also be giving a presentation there for the adults on accent reduction (conveniently right up my professional alley). We love love love getting to serve together. All of our students are native Spanish speakers, so Jaime’s bilingual skills and natural aptitude for teaching (not to mention being very engaging and entertaining), plus my experience working with children that age (and conveniently being able to bring many of my fun games and supplies from my clinic each week) has made this a great experience to participate in together. Plus, we were even in the Salt Lake Tribune a few weeks ago!

We’re also taking a weekly self reliance personal finance class together (highly recommend) that has been incredibly helpful as we continue to adjust to not only combining finances but building and strengthening our marriage and growing together. And then there are the weekly dates and family outings, birthdays, school events and holidays, and just the day to day of living life. We have a lot to be grateful for.

I’d say that overall we are doing pretty well. I expect that this Sunday will be a bit emotional as we hit our three year mark without Kendall, but likely more so for the kids (those weeks and even months leading up to March 24th are a lot harder for me). But I can’t complain. In fact, I think I can see evidence every day of how those “bonds of death” are being broken for me here in this wonderful life of mine. We continue to look forward, not backward. Love to you all.