I’ve alluded to the fact that January 21 – March 24 were going to be, or have been, (and certainly currently are) incredibly difficult for me. For whatever reason, the way my brain has decided to make sense of what occurred during Kendall’s illness, to grapple with some of those horrific experiences, has been to closely tie everything to the dates when they originally occurred. There have been many things that my brain seems to have given itself permission over the past year to not have to deal with yet, to be able to set aside as I was trying to operate in the current moment, waiting to face until we were at the actual “anniversary” of those events. For someone who is often struggling in many ways to merely function, my brain is able to recall with astounding detail EXACTLY what was happening one year ago. Even often down to the hour (sometimes even the precise time). And it wasn’t merely one major event, it was EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. from that time. Every single hour, that I am needing to relive and try to process, that my brain will not stop feeding me, that I am forced to acknowledge that those things did indeed happen.
And it’s simply too much for one person to manage. While I do not doubt that I will eventually move past (or at least through) and heal from all of this, there is no guarantee that I would do so without experiencing a mental breakdown, without my brain seeming to literally “break” for a time from the weight of everything. Frankly, I think it’s pretty astonishing that it didn’t completely break then with everything I was having to carry, or hasn’t since, despite the difficulties and challenges I have had to manage. There have been so many pieces that I have had to carry, for so long, that I have tried to hold on my own. And I can see that continuing to do so would eventually break me.
Except here is the absolutely beautiful thing that I am learning. I DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THIS ON MY OWN. For me, the way Heavenly Father is helping me to move through and heal, has been to place people in my life to help carry this burden with me. I have been discovering that I need to be talking about things out loud (a lot) to be able to handle trying to process and deal with the images and memories I cannot escape. It’s something I previously have actively tried to avoid, because again I say, it is all simply too much for one person to be able to handle or hold. I would never put all of it, everything, on one other person. (I have been so afraid this whole time of “putting horrible images” into other people’s brains, the ones I can’t escape from and sometimes even traumatized the medical staff.) But I haven’t needed to.
There have been so many people in the past two weeks who have been able to help carry a PORTION of this: my group of college friends during a Zoom call or Marco Polos, the friend who called me at just the right moment or was willing to talk with me into the night, the person at church who asked just the right question and then truly listened, the friend(s) who invited me to lunch or breakfast and let me talk and cry as needed, the family member(s) who have been there, the group of friends who went away with me for a weekend and were willing to be supportive in whatever way I needed, including staying up late to help me talk through and purge things that would not let my brain sleep until they were out. There is even the friend who will be flying out to be with me the week of March 24th, to offer whatever support I will need then (even if I don’t know what that will end up looking like, as this has all been so unpredictable).
So how was my birthday weekend? Amazing in many ways (so much good food, retail therapy, great conversation, hot tubbing, and more), and was exactly what I needed. But also incredibly difficult at moments. Being me, of course I had decided to use this weekend as an excuse to do some exposure therapy. I purposely planned to do things in Salt Lake City, knowing I had not been back there since the day Kendall died (although I didn’t realize we would be taking the exact same exit or driving along the same roads). We also did outlet shopping up at Traverse Mountain, which is right next to where Kendall worked (and where I had several memories of meeting him for lunch dates). I wanted to face things surrounded by friends, rather than being there with my kids or all alone. Again, I’m glad I did, but it was hard.
Recognizing the many people who have been available (and willing) to help carry portions of this, it does now seem manageable that I will be able to get through the next month (and beyond), without a mental breakdown (something I would really rather avoid). And you know what? I’m finding that as I (finally) talk about and through things, they are losing a bit of their horror. I can say that yes, those things happened, but they are in the past and they are not happening now. I got through them then, so I will certainly get through this now. Deep breaths, this too will pass.
