I read recently that there is no goal setting with grief. That’s certainly been my experience thus far. No universal guidebook, no real predictability. It’s been a difficult thing to accept for someone who has always been goal driven, project-oriented, or used to working really hard and then accomplishing whatever she set out to do. Giving up any illusion of control is uncomfortable on many levels.
So, Christmas happened. The question “How was your Christmas?” is akin to the frequently asked (and dreaded) question of “How are you doing?” I mean, not good, obviously. But we got through it. Yes, there were a lot of happy moments, especially for my children. And there is only one “first Christmas,” which we are now thankfully past. (Although I’ve been warned that for many people the second Christmas is surprisingly harder than the first….)
Christmas day itself actually wasn’t too bad: nowhere to go, the satisfaction of seeing the kids’ delight over Santa surprises, visiting with extended family members who stopped by, and generally being blissfully lazy all day. Sure, I may have eaten too much junk food, numbed out my brain with TV for a good chunk of the day, napped, not showered, and worn Kendall’s clothes all day (which may or may not have been the same ones I slept in), but I don’t think I cried at all the entire day. (Although my kids had bouts of tears throughout the day….)
That was not the case for the week leading up to Christmas, though. So many heavy grief days. I’m pretty sure I cried straight through the first three days of Christmas break. It was intense, and exhausting (not to mention so dehydrating, wow). No way to describe that time other than pure awful-ness. Life is so busy day to day with my work schedule and everything with the kids, it’s go go go without seemingly any down-time. I think once I was finally off work and didn’t have to be anywhere that my brain then had time to process and experience the full force of my grief surrounding the holiday.
I don’t mean for it to, but I’ve noticed a pattern that in just trying to get through the many demands of each day I am forced to push down or compartmentalize a lot of my grief. I can’t very well burst into tears in the middle of a therapy session when I am the therapist. Those feelings won’t stay bottled forever, though, so I must also deal with the crashing waves that completely flatten me at times. I’m trying to give myself regular time to simply sit with and experience all of my emotions, but it’s difficult with the frantic pace of my days. Being under construction and needing to work off-site the past few months haven’t helped, either. I am SO grateful that we will finally be finished with that this week!
There were some things with Christmas that I’m glad we did. We made a point to talk about Kendall a great deal throughout the entire holiday season. I (er, “Santa?”) filled Kendall’s stocking with several of his favorite treats and candies, and then passed them out to everyone on Christmas morning. My parents made a slideshow of pictures of Kendall from Christmases and winters past that they shared at our annual Christmas Eve gathering at their house. My mom had made each of us teddy bears from some of Kendall’s shirts that we got that morning, along with many throw pillows made from Kendall’s funny or character T-shirts. They are now down on the big sectional couch in my family room.
So, how was Christmas? Hard. Cleansing. Peaceful, and even joyful, at times. Full of memories, both old and new, some more painful than others. Certainly emotion-laden. Grateful for it and also that we are past it. Despite the focus there is on the Savior during this time of year, things have definitely been easier for me now that Christmas is over. I’m able to get out of bed easier, seem to have a better handle on my emotions, once again feel a desire to do things. We’ll see how New Year’s is. It’s such a surreal feeling to realize that we’re heading into a year that Kendall won’t experience at all (and that I’ll be turning an age that he never reached). As I wrap up this year of “smelting” I am trying to be thoughtful as I contemplate what word I want to focus on for 2022….
(Note: The reason we are wearing masks in this picture is we were all exposed to COVID earlier that week and we didn’t yet know if any of us were infected. We’ve all since tested negative and no one is symptomatic, so it looks like we might be in the clear.)
