I don’t know if it is a by-product of the events of the past two years or just part of getting older, but I really am comfortable with who I am. I would even venture to say that in most settings I am a pretty confident person. Unlike when I was younger, I have no problems getting up and speaking in front of a group, or meeting new people, or even with admitting the ways that I do not have it together or may be struggling. I try to own both the things I am good at as well as my quirks and short-comings (although I will continue to work hard on those). In most situations I simply don’t care what other people may think of me. Well, it’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t worry overly much about it like I used to.
I can be OK with the fact that not everyone may like me (although I will probably like them, because PEOPLE!). I understand that I don’t control what others think or do so why be anxious about it? My self worth is not at all dependent on what other people may think or say. For someone who most of her life was very concerned about appearances and always trying to present her “best face” to the world, can I tell you how freeing it is to be in this space now? I think it took living through tragedy to give myself permission to let so many things go, to be forced to prioritize what is truly important, to finally overcome my anxiety and perfectionism (still working a bit on that last one, though).
Oh, there are still times that I can be sensitive about not wanting others to judge my imperfect efforts at life now (or think that I may not be up to doing this whole solo parent/widow thing). I certainly have moments when I have wondered if I am doing enough, am enough for my kids. I am human after all. But overall, I really do have confidence that I’m a pretty great person who is trying her best. I have full confidence in my Heavenly Father’s love for me, and in my purpose here on earth. I’m happy with my life, as it is now. Truly. It’s almost overwhelming the number of blessings I have, and lately I’ve been feeling more and more the urge to pay it forward. It feels so good to be coming out of survival mode enough to notice and hopefully be able to minister to those around me. Because I can so clearly see how amazing they are, too! And while I can relate to the hard, I can also attest that it does get better. Life is wonderful, and full of beauty and hope and so many amazing people and experiences.
I haven’t always been as comfortable with being me. I have often had very high, perhaps unattainable, standards for myself. I’ve worried too much about what other people might think of me, how they might find me wanting. But there’s been a shift in my thinking, especially lately, from focusing on the ways I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be, to now feeling excited and hopeful about the idea that I get to keep progressing and learning. I’m enjoying the journey and that process of becoming. I don’t question if I’m going to “make it” because I know that my Savior makes up for all of the ways I fall short.
It’s so good to be back in this head space again, where I’m not overly worried about the details here in between. In reading the account last week about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when they were about to be put in the fiery furnace for refusing to worship anyone but God, I realized that I can also honestly say not only that I know that God can deliver me, but I’m also OK with the “But if not” part as well (Daniel 3:17-18). I’m not worried about it. I trust that things are going to ultimately work out because God will prevail. I have no doubt of that.
I’m also learning to be more comfortable with, and grateful for, my body. It can be easy to be insecure about physical appearance when dating in your 40’s, when “looks” can be such a big part of someone’s initial impressions of you. Because I am not 20 years old this go around, and I’m not pretending to be. I’m a busy mom of four kids, I work full time, I have a household to maintain and Church responsibilities and friends and family obligations, so I don’t have time to be obsessed or overly concerned about my appearance (although I do generally try to look put together!). I am just now getting back on track with making sure I’m eating well, and consciously eating often enough to give my body what it needs to be healthy (darn “grief diet,” sometimes making me forget to eat). It takes constant effort to make sure I’m being active and getting enough sleep, but I am working on both of those areas. But you know what? I’m confident that I can continue to make progress and as with the other areas of my life Heavenly Father will help me along the way.
(Doesn’t short hair make for some awesome bed head? The “me” of a few years ago would never have publicly posted a no makeup, hair not done, first thing in the morning picture. Look at how foolhardy, er….CONFIDENT I am now, ha ha!)
