And Kendall is successfully admitted! This time around Kendall’s room is decorated with quite a few more laminated photos, signs, and hand-drawn pictures than his previous hospitalizations (including one our youngest drew him of “a magical blue dog named DOGter Strange with healing powers that actually look different colored flowers and [she doesn’t] know how they will help Dad but they will”). I was able to visit with Kendall last night, and of course we talk on the phone and Duo regularly. He’s not looking forward to the total body irradiation treatments that start tomorrow, and the chemo they are giving him makes him very tired and not feeling great, but overall he is in good spirits and ready to get this next part behind him. I think we all are, despite the uncertainties.
Can you believe that there now more than 40 (!!!!) updates on this Meal Train site? It’s amazing to look back over these five months and see how far we have come (not to mention watching Kendall’s ever changing levels and placement of hair….:). In my last post I talked about the fact that our family would be attending church today and that I had been invited to speak to our congregation. I’ve had quite a few people ask me for a copy of my talk, so I thought I would put it on here for anyone who is interested in reading it. I know there are many people who read these updates who do not share my faith and religious beliefs and I want to be sensitive to that, but here are my heartfelt thoughts about some things I have learned in the past few months and my personal relationship with Jesus Christ:
Peace and Comfort in Christ
January 24, 2021
Brother Crookston invited me to speak today on finding peace and comfort in Christ. I’m really grateful that I was preparing this talk this week, so that I was immersed in Conference talks and scriptures and thoughts all focused on receiving peace through Jesus Christ. It really helped me during a week that might have otherwise been especially difficult.
I want to start by rewinding a year to the beginning of 2020. Our family was in the middle of a home renovation project that of course was proving to be longer and more expensive than we had planned. (Aren’t they always?) I was continuing to see speech clients in my home amidst the chaos, and trying to stay on top of multiple kids’ busy schedules (emphasis on the word trying, since I was failing miserably with it). My mom, who has had carcinoid cancer for several years, had taken a very definite turn for the worse and for a time it looked like we might lose her. And instead of just handling everything, I came apart. I felt emotionally stretched very thin, needed to be too many places at once, and I was just plain irritable, STRESSED, and overwhelmed. This was my state when the pandemic hit. Now suddenly everything seemed dangerous. I was worried for my mom, but also afraid of what getting COVID might mean for me because I am very high risk for complications due to several health conditions I have. I was almost paralyzed by fear trying to imagine how my family would survive if the worst were to happen.
Fast forward to August, when seemingly the worst did happen. Kendall went in to the doctor for some back pain and suddenly he needed an urgent and risky surgery to remove the tumor that had broken his spine. That tumor ended up being a very rare form of leukemia, and most of you know how abruptly our world crashed in on us and everything changed. Navigating this in the middle of a pandemic has been unbelievably difficult, and we’re certainly not through it yet as even now Kendall is in the hospital to receive a bone marrow transplant that we hope and pray can extend his life.
On paper, the challenges I and my family have been facing for the past five months have been exponentially harder than what was happening a year ago. There isn’t a single aspect of our lives that this hasn’t affected, and there is not a clear end in sight. And yet, how I am doing now is in stark comparison to how I felt then. I am feeling peace and comfort, and there’s no way I can question that I and my family are being strengthened and often carried through what has been an incredibly difficult time.
There are certainly blessings that come from the truly gut-wrenching, impossible trials that we encounter only a few times in our lives, when there simply is not the capacity to worry about the little things anymore (being late to school, grades, having a clean house, etc.) and we feel compelled to take a broader perspective. But it doesn’t have to take a life-changing catastrophe for us to learn those lessons and activate the promises of our Savior to grant us peace, rest, and comfort. We all have struggles, especially after this last difficult year, and those promised blessings are available to us at any time.
The Savior Himself gave us the formula to follow to access His peace. In Doctrine and Covenants 19:23 “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.”
Isn’t that beautifully simple? Why do we so often like to over-complicate things? We want peace, and healing, and comfort, and we have been given the tools we need to access them.
There are so many things in life that we can’t control, but we can control what we focus on and how we spend our time. When we seek out to learn of the Savior, when we learn to hear Him and truly listen to His words (scriptures, our prophets, and personal revelation), and when we invite the Spirit into our lives we learn to become more like the Savior and how to walk in the meekness of His spirit. Peace naturally follows.
One rather simple thing that has helped me was changing the background of my phone to a picture of the Savior, and every time I use my phone (which is often), it acts as a reminder to focus on Jesus Christ and His promise from Doctrine and Covenants 19. I have also recently found a great deal of comfort in the hymns, and I have spent cumulative hours at the piano playing through them, reading through the words of the different verses, and feeling the Lord speak to me personally through those words. I’m especially careful right now with what types of media I consume, what I read, what I listen to.
There have been many times in recent months when I have felt alone or in despair or like I just couldn’t do what was being asked of me, and it’s those times that I have often listened to the 2018 Youth theme song “Peace in Christ” on repeat. Are you familiar with those lyrics? Some of them say:
There is peace in Christ
He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can’t go on
He give us shelter In the storms of life
When there’s no peace on Earth
There is peace in Christ
And it works every single time, that I will feel comforted having words like that running through my head, and the Spirit confirming their truth.
But it’s still hard. Often. There’s nothing special about me or my family that makes us more equipped to handle difficult challenges. It has to be a conscious CHOICE I make over and over each day, to choose faith and to not give in to the fear that can sometimes feel suffocating, that fear that is just sometimes a part of this mortal experience.
Lisa L. Harkness (October 2020) “Even in turbulent times, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is gritty and resilient. It helps us sift through unimportant distractions. It encourages us to keep moving along the covenant path. Faith pushes through discouragement and allows us to face the future with resolve and squared shoulders. It prompts us to ask for rescue and relief as we pray to the Father in the name of His Son. And when prayerful pleas seem to go unanswered, our persistent faith in Jesus Christ produces patience, humility, and the ability to reverently utter the words ‘Thy will be done.’”
The scriptures are full of examples of people who felt fear, or whom I imagine did. Surely Abinadi had moments of fear and doubt, the stripling warriors facing their first battle, the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s about to fall under the sword, Saul struck blind, Mary at the tomb, Moroni left alone with his heavy charge, Peter denying the Christ, and we know that the apostles were afraid on the boat when the waves were about to overtake them. But in each of these examples they came back to their faith, to focusing on the Savior. They got through their difficult times. Crying out in panic for help doesn’t mean we lack faith – it means we’re human, that we’re acknowledging that we can’t do it on our own, and that we do indeed each one of us need a Savior.
President Nelson has told us that “We do not need to let our fears displace our faith. We can combat those fears by strengthening our faith.” and he promised “that decreased fear and increased faith will follow us” as we “begin anew truly to hear, hearken to and heed the words of the Savior.”
The Lord invites us to “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36).
Despite all I am learning and how I recognize that I am growing and stretching, and the numerous ways I recognize the Lord’s hand in my life, I still struggle having to watch people I care about go through incredibly difficult things. I question if I would be able to stop myself from taking away their pain and challenges if I could. This quote by Kimberly Hendersen really struck a chord with me. She says,
“I would have pulled Joseph out. Out of that pit. Out of that prison. Out of that pain. And I would have cheated nations out of the one God would use to deliver them from famine.
“I would have pulled David out. Out of Saul’s spear-throwing presence. Out of the caves he hid away in. Out of the pain of rejection. And I would have cheated Israel out of a God-hearted king.
“I would have pulled Esther out. Out of being snatched from her only family. Out of being placed in a position she never asked for. Out of the path of a vicious, power-hungry foe. And I would have cheated a people out of the woman God would use to save their very lives.
“And I would have pulled Jesus off. Off of the cross. Off of the road that led to suffering and pain. Off of the path that would mean nakedness and beatings, nails and thorns. And I would have cheated the entire world out of a Savior. Out of salvation. Out of an eternity filled with no more suffering and no more pain.
“And oh friend. I want to pull you out. I want to change your path. I want to stop your pain. But right now I know I would be wrong. I would be out of line. I would be cheating you and cheating the world out of so much good. Because God knows. He knows the good this pain will produce. He knows the beauty this hard will grow. He’s watching over you and keeping you even in the midst of this. And He’s promising you that you can trust Him. Even when it all feels like more than you can bear.
“So instead of trying to pull you out, I’m lifting you up. I’m kneeling before the Father and I’m asking Him to give you strength. To give you hope. I’m asking Him to protect you and to move you when the time is right. I’m asking Him to help you stay prayerful and discerning. I’m asking Him how I can best love you and be a help to you. And I’m believing He’s going to use your life in powerful and beautiful ways. Ways that will leave your heart grateful and humbly thankful for this road you’ve been on.”
Still, in my weakness I sometimes desperately wish I could take these trials from my husband, from my children, from friends whom I know are going through hard things right now. I’m sure there are probably people here who feel the same, maybe even about me and my family. But even though I wouldn’t choose our current challenges, I am so profoundly grateful for the blessings and lessons and growth that we are gaining. Life is messy, and painful, and all too often we stumble, but what a wonderful thing that we’re not expected to do this alone.
Elder Richard G. Scott said, “You may be facing overwhelming challenges. Sometimes they are so concentrated, so unrelenting, that you may feel they are beyond your capacity to control. Don’t face the world alone. ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding’ [Proverbs 3:5]….It was intended that life be a challenge, not so that you would fail, but that you might succeed through overcoming.”
I testify that as we come unto the Savior, no matter how we are heavy laden, He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28-30). That peace and strength is very real. The Savior lives. The power of the Atonement is available to each of us, no matter your current circumstances. God is distinctly aware of each one of us, and He loves us perfectly. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.