I recently came across my high school senior yearbook. I don’t think I have looked at it or any other high school memorabilia for at least ten years. What a fun trip down memory lane, seeing faces or reading messages from so many people I have fond memories of but hadn’t thought of for a long time. And check out what babies we were back then! High school is such an influential chapter of life. Some of my dearest friends are people I knew in high school. And for Kendall (Kenny then) and me, those last two years of high school are when our friendship first began, grew into a deeper connection, and then a beautiful relationship and eventually life together.
It was bittersweet reading through the two pages (I know, a bit excessive, right?!) Kendall wrote to me in that yearbook, as we were about to graduate from high school together. We were both realists in knowing that things would certainly change when we went to college, when he left to serve a mission for our church at 19, that the odds said we would probably go our separate ways. His entry made me laugh and cry, but I was especially struck by the last few lines:
“I’ve seen it displayed so many times, but it’s still amazing how you, personally, touch the lives of just about everyone you meet. I count myself very lucky to have had so much time with you. I love you, Kenny”
Wow. I couldn’t help thinking how grateful I am that we DID have so much time with each other, that we were able to make memories together in those formative years. I know that’s not something a lot of couples get to share. And other than the two years of his mission, the only instance we were apart for any length of time was when he was first in the hospital a year ago and I was unable to visit due to COVID restrictions. What a blessing that we weren’t often separated during our marriage, especially as we have been robbed of time together on this end of things.
Plus, what a sweet reminder of how Kendall saw me. I know what a blessing it was (is?) to have someone who thought so highly of me, who recognized the good in me and loved me for it, who wasn’t critical of my shortcomings, who helped me be a better person. As I have struggled and often failed (or flailed?) through these past six months, as I have worked through regrets and what ifs, my counselor often likes to ask me, “What would Kendall tell you right now? What would he think about how you’re doing, considering everything?” Thinking about that regrounds me. Because I know that Kendall loved me (loves me) and sees me for the person I truly am, my worth, and not defined by my very human mistakes. What a gift that is. And because I was blessed to have that in my life, it’s not a stretch at all to realize how much my Savior and my Heavenly Father love me, see my potential, help me become better than I am on my own. That’s a gift I get to keep even after Kendall has passed away. I love him more for it.