I’m trying to routinely stop and ask myself how I am doing with being fully present in the various moments of my life. That’s been especially important with some of the dissociation I have had at times with trauma and PTSD responses. I want to know, am I embracing all of my experiences, even the difficult ones? Each day brings its own full list of demands and challenges, often necessitating constantly moving from task to task to get everything done. But is it so busy that I am acting on auto-pilot, not appreciating what I have NOW? I hope not. I’m working on being mindful and intentional and fully LIVING, not just getting through the days, weeks, and months. I’ve gotten much better with this, but I know that it can be so easy to get caught up in that relentless busy-ness, to be numbed by fatigue, to edge too close to burn-out. That’s not what I want, certainly.
I wonder though, has it been obvious to those reading these Meal Train posts that, all things considered, I am doing remarkably well? Still healing, yes, still grieving, still navigating trauma responses (although fewer of them), still working bit by bit to pull my life back together. But life truly is wonderful. I don’t know if I have ever felt quite this hopeful or at peace, felt such permeating joy so regularly. It’s really not an act or attempting to naively sugar-coat over things. A year ago, I don’t know that I would have been able to imagine (or even hope) that I would be where I am now.
Even my chiropractor noticed and mentioned it at my appointment last Friday. He’s known me for years and has been aware of things that happened with Kenny and a lot of the craziness that has come afterward, but at my appointment he commented how different I am now, how much I am clearly thriving, how happy I appear to be when I’m there. It’s actually been coming up a lot recently. (During my stake temple recommend interview yesterday, interacting with co-workers, friends whom I haven’t seen in a while, family members, etc.) People are noticing how happy I am. I am aware of it too, for that matter. I keep saying this, but I just love life, and I recognize how blessed I am. Even so, when I’m in the middle of living my life, I don’t always take a step back to truly acknowledge and appreciate how far I have come in a relatively short amount of time.
I am still very human. Despite the joy and hope, there is also sometimes crushing grief or times when it simply feels too hard to face something without Kenny here. How can I possibly handle new grief without him, as I am still grieving him? Loss affects me differently now, that compounded grief cutting deeper. There were a few moments this past week when I simply needed my person to help me handle some situations, things both current and coming that felt impossible to do alone.
I know that I can always turn to my Father in Heaven in prayer, that He will hear me and I am not really alone. But I am also so grateful for caring friends who will sit with me and listen and be safe spaces as I pour out my heart and process through things verbally, and who remind me of those eternal truths that will help get me through the hard experiences. One such friend this week told me, “Suzanne, I know you know this, but maybe sometimes it’s easier for those of us on the outside to see. Because it’s SO evident how much God’s got your back.” She reminded me of many of the miracles that have happened in my life, when help sometimes came from unlikely sources like rediscovering old journal entries and letters and tapes at exactly the crucial moments I would need them. (Someday I may write more about that. There have been some pretty amazing stories surrounding those where the Lord was clearly there in the details.) Or doors that have miraculously opened, or options becoming available I didn’t know were possible, or important connections made when I needed them. No, it’s not that I was ever questioning that God was aware of me, but getting the reminder when things were beginning to feel overwhelming was just the re-anchoring I needed.
I do like this quote by Joel Osteen. “When God designed you, he knew what pressures you would face: financial pressure, relationship pressure, pressure raising children, pressure dealing with an illness. If that pressure was going to crush you, if it was going to be unbearable, then God wouldn’t have put you there. He doesn’t make mistakes. Anything you face, you have to remind yourself, you can handle it. You’ve been designed for it. You wouldn’t be at that depth if that pressure was going to defeat you.”
There have been so many lessons I have learned over the past two years, but gaining the assurance that with God ALL things are possible, that’s been utterly life-changing. God is not only aware of me but knows what is best for me, including His timing. I can trust Him completely and He won’t let me down. With His help I really can face whatever comes. I can even thrive in the aftermath.
Going back to the difficult moments of this past week, that same friend was also able to recognize and point out how the way I was responding and working through things showed progress from where I was even just a few months ago. I have tools now, and experience, that I didn’t have two years ago, one year ago. I know I won’t stay stuck. In some ways it has felt like I have been in school and now am finally graduating to this next stage of my life. Sure, there’s a sort of wistfulness for the door that is closing and the things I may be leaving behind, but I’m ready to be looking forward. I’m excited for what may be coming, but I’m also excited about the NOW. Life is good now. I know that God’s got my back.
