Grief is Not Linear

This blog has provided a front row seat to my own journey with grief, has been a safe space for me to work through thoughts and feelings. I’ve been pretty open about things that have been painful and difficult. I also know that it has been evident how much I have learned and grown throughout all of this, for which I am grateful.

If you had asked me before I’d experienced profound loss, I would have naively thought that the stages of grief were things that couldn’t be skipped, but that I could work my way through toward a more peaceful, joyful ending place. Yes, time does make a huge difference in adjusting to, and coming to accept, everything. What I couldn’t have known, however, is how often I would bounce around between the different “stages” shown below in this graphic.

It’s true that I no longer live in a place of numbness, and bit by bit I am regaining my brain’s ability to function. But even being in a place of hope and having a desire to connect with and help others, that loneliness rears its ugly head far too often. Compounded grief can bring on unwanted depression. There are those occasional moments of fear, or emotional outbursts, or needing to breathe through the feelings of panic that accompany unexpected triggers.

No matter how good of a place I may feel I am in, there are still those times when the tears just flow, or the memories feel especially close and the pain so fresh. Emotions have seemed to run closer to the surface lately for the inhabitants of our house. No doubt the buildup to this coming Friday, marking two years since Kendall’s passing, is playing a part. Plus the uncertainties that have come with a sibling being in and out of hospitals, talk of upcoming surgeries and interventions and other changes on the horizon, have surely also contributed. I’m actively trying to not see the return to some of these stages and hard emotions as some sort of setback, and rather all part of the fluid process of grief and healing.

That being said, we have had some pretty great moments, too. Success at state competitions. Some great therapy sessions. Learning that the damage and needed surgeries are not as extensive as the doctors had originally thought. Finding more answers that will help me to feel my best (yay for medication adjustments, salty snacks and my own blood pressure cuff, as well as iron and vitamin D supplements!). Funny moments like seeing C’s face when she realized that Mom could wear her shoes (and that she could potentially borrow mine). Celebrating Pi Day. Or how about a sprung leprechaun trap (with chocolate gold coins, of course) and an all-green dinner? (I used to do themed meals a lot. Felt good to be doing something so fun and a “Sawyer normal” again.)

The highlight of my week, however, was having the opportunity to volunteer with M as tour guides for the tabernacle exhibit that has been in Provo. It is a life size replica of the tabernacle and outer temple courtyard that existed in Bible days. Then the inside of the church building had essentially been turned into a visitor’s center. M got to teach people about the ceremonial clothing that was used at the time. I had the very best assignment, though, assigned to be at the Christus statue at the end of the exhibit. There was a display about modern day temples, and the following short video played on repeat, showing the temples that have been built around the world.

It gave me such a thrill every time to watch the number of temples explode around the turn of the century, to hear “The Spirit of God” playing in the background (that was my favorite hymn as a child). Amazing to realize that there are now more than 300 functioning temples, with many more under construction or announced. During my shift I loved interacting with all the people, answering their questions, and being in what felt like such a holy place. Honestly, it felt like being in the temple. What a cool, once in a lifetime experience.

Not quite sure how this post morphed from some broad thoughts about grief to a somewhat rambly travelogue of our week (to be fair, it is pretty late as I’m writing this), but there you go. Really life is always going to be full of ups and downs. I do believe that all emotions are sacred and a gift from a loving Heavenly Father, and meant to be part of this mortal experience. Even if some are more comfortable than others. It’s up to me how I choose to act based on those emotions, how I handle the grief that will inevitably come. I know where the ultimate source of hope comes from.