Seems surreal that this is the second birthday we have marked for Kenny without him here. It was an especially grief-y day for my kids, and complicated by newer grief about Grandma. It’s interesting to note what things have been triggers for them, and how differently each of my children express their grief. I do trust that this day will eventually be one of fond memories and celebrating their dad, not quite so much sadness and pain. We started a new tradition of going to the farmer’s market this morning where each child found something that reminded them of their dad, where we ate some of his favorite foods, etc.
Of course my mind has gone to what Kenny and I would have done to celebrate the day, ways he and I and our family celebrated in the past. I have found myself lately finally being able to move past the memories of trauma and the sickness to really reflect on Kenny himself. It’s been hard to get there. Over the past few months I have also put a lot of thought into how I could be strengthening our marriage NOW, while we are separated. I do think I can. The way I talk about him, being intentional about the narrative I tell myself about our relationship, and I can still pray for Kenny even though he’s not here. It’s not easy, though. Already there are things it’s difficult to recall exactly how they were, or to trust that I’m remembering accurately.
But in the meantime, a very happy birthday to Kenny. Lots of happy memories to dwell on, even though there is sadness too. And hey, I have almost survived another August!