I am completely on board with the idea of embracing my current life circumstances, or what the future may hold, intentionally trying to embrace my role as a parent, my job, etc. (I even have a few “Embrace” signs around my house to remind me – the one in this picture is in my clinic.) I have not, however, yet figured out what it means, or exactly how, to embrace things like trauma brain, and pain, and loss. If given the choice I would rather those things weren’t a part of my life. Yes, yes, I recognize that I grow from these experiences, so it’s good that I’m not given that choice. It’s just that this past week was an especially difficult one for me. I haven’t experienced prolonged trauma brain this bad since the very beginning, except this time I wasn’t as numbed and in a general brain fog like I was the first time through.
I have always been a very driven, self-motivated, progress-oriented person. I am constantly looking for ways I can improve, setting personal goals that I then work hard to achieve. (I may not be the one to do the job the very best, but I do think that one of my super powers is working really hard to get things done – or at least it was in my previous life.) So after putting in so. much. work. and EFFORT into trying to deal with and heal from trauma, and after I had been doing so much better lately, it’s been a big blow to feel set back like this again. The fact that this was not even from anything I had done “wrong” made it somehow worse, since it all feels out of my control. I was reading this week (that’s right, a few pages from an actual BOOK!) about trauma, and the author said that you cannot cure PTSD, only treat it. Sure, over time I should hopefully have fewer triggers, I may no longer experience things like flashbacks, and I’m learning and implementing different tools and practices to manage everything, but to never be “cured?” Yeah, disheartening. (Although I think some medical professional’s opinions may differ a bit on this point…)
For me trauma brain means that my brain simply stops working well. My executive functions seem to go out the window. I can’t stay focused. I may flashback to horrible images when I get triggered, ones that I can’t get out of my head. I have nightmares or nocturnal panic attacks. I can’t keep track of things, or what I am doing. I have uncharacteristic word-finding difficulties. I might be irritable, or respond too strongly to something. All in all, it is really disconcerting.
I know it’s not always like this. Adding grief into the mix can complicate things (it’s even called “complicated grief,” actually), trying to figure out if something is a trauma response or a grief reaction. I recognize, though, that I am certainly no longer in the “baby” stage of grief, when I was literally helpless to take care of myself, needed help doing some of the most basic of tasks (like remembering to eat). But this past week it has felt a bit like I was back in a “toddler” stage of dealing with PTSD. I insisted I could “do it myself!” when it came to deciding I could stop EMDR sessions a bit ago, only to feel like tantruming now when I realize it’s beyond my ability to handle on my own. (Just wait until I reach the “teenager” stage…duhn duhn DUH!)
So what do I do with all of this? Scheduling another EMDR session for this week was a start, but it has also helped to make time to talk through things with some friends, to admit that I’m struggling. Yes, I’m learning that doing that IS a way to embrace where I’m at, rather than trying to resist feeling the things that clearly my body needs me to feel and process. It also helps when I ask myself questions in difficult moments, such as, “What else is true?”, “What else do I believe?”, or “Why am I CHOOSING to hang on to this thought so tightly? Is it serving me?” Sometimes doing that can snap my brain out of the stress and panic of a moment toward a place of gratitude (or when that’s too hard, at least to a place of curiosity).
I read today the Lord’s promise that, “He who receiveth ALL things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.” (D&C 78:19) Certainly a loving Father in Heaven does not intend for me to stay stuck here. And I already know from personal experience that this WILL pass. I am indeed thankful for the progress I have made, the things I have learned.
But in the meantime? I’m going to choose to do a hard thing (really, this is hard for me). I am going to embrace the fact that things will probably continue to be challenging from now until the end of March. I’ve thought a great deal about this, and I have decided that I am once again going to ask for and accept some more help. I’m going to reopen up the Meal Train calendar to include sign ups for a few meals a week to help me get through these next six weeks. If no one signs up then no big deal, we’ll handle things. But if someone chooses to volunteer to help us with a meal (accepting the fact that we’re tricky now, being gluten free), I will know they did it because they WANTED to, not because they were obligated to or assigned.
I’m trying to have patience and grace and compassion for myself as I’m going through this. It’s hard. I don’t want to be dealing with this (maybe that’s a bit of the “teenager” stage coming out?). But I am. And resisting my reality will just make it worse. I know, there have been times I have tried. I will very consciously make the choice to reframe things, to see each day as a step along my path of healing, to embrace the process. Because I do control the CHOICE.
