I Already Wrote It…Might As Well Use It!

Remember when I said that I had started several posts during my two months o’ blog silence here, but nothing ever got finished? I was reading back over some of what I’d written, and is it funny that in light of everything that happened afterward I had already forgotten just how stressful things were leading up to the wedding? Really, it about pushed me over the edge sometimes. (It cannot be healthy how many times in my life now I seem to be right there on that precipice. Yikes.) Being engaged is tough. I am SO SO grateful to be on this side of being married! I’ll include excerpts here of some things I wrote the end of September:

“Have you ever noticed how extra things seem to pile on when you’re already especially stressed? It already felt like I was living life at mock speed (I have a real problem with this, always being too busy), but the past few weeks there have unsurprisingly been new challenges to deal with. Some we chose, like agreeing to dog sit two dogs (we’ve never had any dogs other than our own in our home, so it was, um, definitely a learning experience). My niece stayed with us for several days and while we of course loved having her, it did complicate schedules and add extra things to keep track of. I had my first experience with credit card fraud, right in the middle of so many wedding related online orders that then didn’t go through when my card was frozen and then canceled – such a nightmare to backtrack and unravel!). [Current note: I ended up having fraud four times since then, twice with my credit card, then my debit card, and then even my work debit card. That’s been a mess trying to figure out where the breach has been to have me targeted so many times. Ugh.] Because of said credit card issues my phone unexpectedly turned off and I lost several hours of work trying to get it resolved, plus quite a few autopay bills did not go through when the card was canceled. Big problems with our health insurance (resolved now, but much stress when it looked like our policy was being canceled because of an error with billing). Health stuff for me and medical bills pouring in. Problems with not being able to get a medication for one of my children (okay, I could have gotten it by paying more than $700 a month out of pocket, but who could afford that?), after making an appeal to insurance and still being denied. Although expected, A’s physical therapy schedule has been intense, as well as a ridiculously busy work schedule for me as I was suddenly left with doing the workload of three clinicians. Start of school busyness with getting four kids established at four schools. Car problems. Plumbing problems (oh yes, you heard that right). [And there have been even more of those since the wedding, both car and plumbing. Ugh ugh.] I could keep going here. And probably the most stressful of all, so many details to take care of and keep track of with planning a wedding! Is it any wonder that my brain has been struggling lately?”

Not quite the state of mind I wanted to be in as we had family arriving from Chile that I (and the kids) would be meeting for the first time. I don’t know that I exactly showed up as the best version of myself (stress and constant distraction do not become me), and I was certainly much busier than I wanted to be, but we had a great visit nevertheless with Jaime’s daughter, son, and nephew. Hopefully when we visit everyone in Chile in a year they will get a much more focused, chill version of Suzanne! And luckily Jaime was able to have the time off of work and could play the tour guide introducing them to all sorts of places and experiences in Utah. The boys were able to come out a little more than a week before the wedding, but Jaime’s daughter is in the army and wasn’t able to get as many days off (although we are so very grateful she got permission to come!). Here are a few highlights of their visit:

Again, incredibly grateful that they were able to be here for the wedding. And even before they got here, despite the craziness of wedding planning and all the “extra stuff” that kept coming up, we did manage to still fit in some fun!

Now without any sort of smooth segue here, I’ll go back to that September entry:

“It’s been interesting to observe people’s reactions, attitudes, and comments about my getting remarried. So many aspects of my life have been quite public the past three years, and I’ve invited you in to share in the ups and downs of cancer and widowhood. In some ways it’s awfully romantic how things could read like a good story that is now coming to its ‘happy ending.’ Who doesn’t love a story that ends with a satisfying wedding, after all? There’s a natural human desire to want to wrap things up nice and neatly, and after so many hard things for the Sawyer family, people (including us!) are so ready to see us ‘finally happy’ and doing okay. Except that’s not how real life works. First off, we were happy before! Very! And by its very nature life will continue to be challenging and stretch and push us in uncomfortable ways.“

Of course life is challenging. That’s just part of having this mortal experience. And even with making an effort to “think celestial” (Think Celestial! (churchofjesuschrist.org)), I do still believe it is important to admit the hard parts too. To not merely gloss over them and jump ahead to the life lesson or positive takeaway. I’ll be the first to admit that in many ways, I have been struggling these past few months. Both as I wrote in September and now.

“Grief is still a part of our everyday lives, and far too often trauma responses. Especially as we are now in fall. It does look a little different, now that I have support I didn’t before. Jaime (pronounced HI-may, btw) is wonderful, and so so good to and for me. But it’s also challenging in new ways to navigate all of the emotions and memories and anniversaries and such within the scope of this new relationship, not wanting my struggles to ever negatively affect the people I love. Of course it’s challenging. Of course some things are hard for the kids. Of course we’re all continuing to figure out what this new normal will be...What I do struggle with at times is not wanting to go through the hard thing. Or feeling tired, when healing feels slow in coming. I can at times be impatient with myself when I have a trauma response and think, ‘This shouldn’t still be hard! Why can’t I just get over/past this!’“

Wow, does that still ring true now, a month and a half into married (and blended family) life. You know some of the challenges we have already encountered, but to be quite frank, the emotional toll of this miscarriage has been hard. As has happened for me before, I’ve been struggling with some postpartum depression and anxiety (I’m convinced that with a miscarriage the woman goes through nine months of hormones within a matter of weeks). It’s also brought up long dormant grief for other lost babies, and I tire easily and have to intentionally be careful to not overdo it. The weather is colder which makes my body hurt. November has brought some unwelcome nightmares/flashbacks from that traumatizing November of 2020. Holidays (like today being Thanksgiving) can naturally bring up grief for missing loved ones, and this year there is some added pressure of wanting things to be “good” for our first holidays together as a blended family. What traditions will we keep? What new ones will we implement?

It can be easy to get caught up in a negative thinking spiral, especially when I can feel that insidious depression constantly there on the periphery, ever ready to creep in. But that’s not the whole story. Grief and trauma never are. Yes, they are still hard and ever present AND (see what I did there? I am learning! The Power of AND – Still Being Smelted) we have so many blessings and resources and amazing people and I am beyond grateful for the support and uplifting influence Jaime brings to our lives. And the biggest AND of all, I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows exactly what I and my family need. Always. I’m trying to be better about recognizing those tender mercies in my life. I’m reminded of the promise we’re given in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that “God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” Such hope and reassurance in that scripture! Going back to what I wrote in September:

“Because yes, life is great. There are so many good people in my life. I honestly keep asking myself, why did things get to be so easy for me? Hang on there, I do not mean that facetiously! I’m overwhelmed by the amount of blessings I have. I do consider myself to have a charmed life in many respects. Really, why was dating so relatively ‘easy’ for me, why do I have the chance to get married relatively quickly and painlessly when so many of my friends who desperately want and have been actively seeking that blessing have not yet had the opportunity? I don’t know. I don’t know why I didn’t end up with any dating ‘horror stories’ this time around like so many others I know. Good grief, I have still never (and I assume won’t ever?) had anyone break up with me! And why was I given the blessing of receiving direct and undeniable revelation that erased any doubt or waffling back and forth when deciding to get married? It still blows my mind to think about…

“I am having all sorts of wonderful new experiences and I’m excited about the upcoming changes in my life…I no longer doubt if I’ll be able to do the things that are asked of me, because I know that I won’t be doing it alone. God has my back, always. And I am now being blessed with a companion to ride through these storms with me.”

And we are riding those storms, together, and creating a beautiful family life, together.

“Getting married has also put a big spotlight for me on areas in my life and with my personality that I do not love. Bringing someone else into our lives has highlighted just what a mess we are, how many ways we have barely been eking by or how many things I have let slide or neglected these past few years. There’s been a different sort of grief in acknowledging how different many aspects of my life are from my ‘before,’ both in my physical environment and circumstances as well as my responses to things like stress or how I react when it feels like someone I care about is threatened in any way. It’s hard not to compare, or romanticize how ‘on top of things’ it seems like I was when I analyze the reality of my life now. I know life wasn’t easy before. Of course not. And I know that I have learned and grown and have some new tools and coping mechanisms I did not before. But still.“

Oh my, yes, yes, yes, on all of that. In many ways when Kenny died, it feels like the person I was died too. That hasn’t all been a bad thing. I know that I have a deeper relationship now with my Savior, and more compassion for others’ suffering. But the person whose brain worked, who managed schedules and could stay organized and manage her home and was so very very involved with the kids…will she ever be able to come back? I honestly do not know. I’m grateful to have a spouse who loves and accepts me as I am, but I desperately want to be better, do more, for my family. Self compassion can be difficult sometimes.

I know, I know, I need to have patience. With myself. With my circumstances. With healing. Especially with healing. I know that I’m not in the same place I was last year, two years ago, three. I am grateful for that. I have countless things to be grateful for, and November has naturally been a month where I have reflected often on those things. I do know that I am healing, even when there are setbacks and stumbling blocks. And really, life is good.

Well, this didn’t exactly end up being a promised “catch up” post on the wedding, honeymoon, etc., but I am slowly getting back on that blog writing bandwagon. I can be okay with that, and patient with myself as I know I’m trying (oooh, look at that self compassion there!). Plus, getting any words and thoughts out is nearly always cathartic for me. Happy Thanksgiving all!