I did it, I did it, I. DID. IT. Experienced it, remembered it, faced it, got through it. And IT WAS OK. I’m really so very proud of myself.
Exactly what, you may be asking, amazing and momentous accomplishment did I actually do? I went back and read through all of my Meal Train posts. My first time doing so.
Writing these posts for Meal Train has been an interesting experience. The majority of them have been incredibly difficult for me to write. I would agonize over what portion or details I should share, and what things to keep back. Those days in the hospital were so intense, every minute, that it sometimes wasn’t until I would sit down at the computer after getting home to write an update that I would actually start to process (or fully acknowledge) what had happened, or realize just how bleak the news was when it was spelled out. But write them I did, then posted, and didn’t look back.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure exactly what I had written. Did I even make sense? Since those entries were usually unedited, did I have typos out the wazoo? (OK, there were definitely some…) I had built it up so much in my mind, certain that reading through those posts would make me relive the terror and the trauma and the many horrific things that didn’t make it in an update, or remember and re-see in my mind the things that were so carefully just out of frame in a picture. I haven’t been able to face it.
Writing about and then receiving wonderful feedback from my last post with the “WandaVision” story, though, made me start thinking back on other experiences, remembering details I hadn’t thought about since, and realizing there were things I didn’t remember exactly how or when they happened. I finally felt brave enough to start reading through my old posts.
I went backward, not wanting to build up to and end with Kendall’s death and the hard that has come afterward, but rather re-connect with where we started. It was fascinating traveling back to the beginning of this journey, when we were still so optimistic about a positive outcome, having no idea what our family would face in the next year.
So yes, there were things I know that happened that weren’t appropriate to share at the time (probably ever), but I was surprised that what I did write was absolutely authentic, true to my experience. I wasn’t merely “sugar-coating” or putting a happy face on everything. I was real and honest. And even though I did remember details that didn’t make it into a post, it was OK. I wasn’t traumatized by it, but rather was proud of how I and Kendall and our family dealt with and got through some really hard things. Just like reading that old journal, reading through Meal Train was a powerful, strengthening experience for me.
I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a book about this experience (something many people have mentioned and encouraged me to do), but I wasn’t sure when, or if, I would be able to face going back through those posts and reliving the experiences. Now, though? I just might, when the time is right. I don’t feel the story is finished yet, but we’re getting there. I recognize the growth our family and I personally made, how far I came with my faith and attitude and fortitude. And if anyone else can be strengthened or encouraged by our story, then I want to share it.
