I hadn’t realized that there is a bit of notoriety that comes with speaking in stake conference. It’s been interesting being recognized (and it felt like also carefully observed) as I was experiencing what in many ways was one of the most difficult weeks in my life (which you know, is saying something). It seems like everywhere the past two weeks I have run into people who heard my talk and wanted to discuss it with me, ask questions, or connect with their own stories of adversity and faith. It happened in obvious places like at my church building with people from different wards, but also at the high school, the grocery store, out on walks, and even multiple times throughout Education Week. It was crazy how often that out of the many hundreds and thousands of people there, I ended up sitting right next to someone I didn’t know who happens to be in my stake.
I met some amazing people at Education Week, several of whom I know it was not an accident that our paths crossed. Many of those interactions reinforced for me how blessed I am, how far I have come in my own journey, and the reminder that the experiences I have had, and continue to have, allow me to connect with and minister to other people in some pointed ways. I have found that the extremeness of the circumstances in my life have also helped give more weight to the message of faith and hope that I know I can genuinely share. What a great reminder that has been for me, too, particularly during the challenges of the past week and a half.
Because I am doing OK. My head is clearer. I know what I need to do, and I once again have that sense of peace and assurance that for a bit there felt drowned out by terror and trauma, fear and failures. I still do not know how things are going to turn out (none of us ever do, really), but I’m more settled. I feel that sense of hope again. (Told you Education Week is good for me!) There have been many instances when it was so obvious that God was aware of me in that moment. I may not have been able to go to all of Education Week like I had wanted to, but each of the classes I did get to attend gave me exactly what I needed for moving forward. I feel re-centered, even though things are still hard.
I won’t bore you with recounting notes from those classes, but I do want to share one story that happened on my anniversary, the day that set in motion so many other difficult circumstances and choices and experiences. I have already written about how hard that day was. As we reached the end of the business day and I had been told that nothing could be resolved that day, I was feeling pretty low. My friends were ready to come pick me up, but I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go to the temple.
I didn’t overthink it, I just decided to follow that prompting. I changed my clothes, texted my friends, grabbed my temple bag, and headed up to the Provo Temple. I still felt worried, helpless, and more than anything so very alone when I got there. As soon as I walked through the doors, though, I was greeted with a, “Suzanne!” It was one of the members from my Emotional Resiliency self reliance group, who happened to be working at the temple that evening. She said how happy she was to see me and how much she had enjoyed my stake conference talk, but all I managed to get out was a tremulous, “It’s been a really hard day.” I was immediately wrapped in a huge hug, where I even cried a little bit. It felt like such a personal message from God that I really wasn’t alone. Not only was He aware of me and knew what I needed, but that others were there for and with me, too. And had I not immediately followed that prompting, I would have missed seeing her as her shift was about to end.
It didn’t stop there. I decided to participate in initiatories, although as soon as I got in there I realized that it was going to be incredibly difficult and emotional for me. I got partway done, but then tearfully told the worker that I was sorry, but I didn’t think that I could do this that day. I’ve never done anything like that, but I left and walked out to the desk. Of course the sweet temple workers there wanted to know what was wrong and if they could help. I choked out that I had lost my husband last year and it was my wedding anniversary, but also that my mother had died last month and she had been a temple worker so being there felt especially poignant. It turns out that one of the two temple workers there actually knew my mother, had served with her, and there at the end of her shift she was able to just hold me, cry with me, and sit with me as I composed myself. I then had some beautiful experiences up in the Celestial Room, and left feeling much more at peace than when I had arrived. (For those unfamiliar with what part temples play in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you can learn more at https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/video/2013-02-1070-temples?lang=eng )
There have been so many instances this past week when a specific quote, scripture, insight, or conversation with someone else has been exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. I was reminded of the truths found in Romans 8 verses 26 and 28, that, “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities…[and] the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us…And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” That reminder that these trials really can be for my good, or for the good of those I love.
I don’t feel alone anymore, or like things are unmanageable. Oh, the circumstances are still just as serious. But I can see clearly the areas where I want to improve, the ways I still need to grow and learn and BECOME. That doesn’t feel overwhelming to me, rather exciting and hopeful. Because I know what I’m supposed to be working on. And while I feel a little dumb admitting this out loud, I really do feel like I am destined to do great things. I am meant to help others, to share my faith, to draw people closer to their Savior. The experiences I have had, and continue to have, are allowing me to do so in some really amazing, powerful ways. What a privilege.
(Oh, and you do realize that I am of course morally obligated to write at least two more posts and reach 200 before September 6 and that two year mark, right? Somehow I don’t think that will be a problem for me…)
