It’s been a minute. In reality only two weeks since my last post, but for some reason it feels like it’s been much longer. Going through periods of intense emotions or experiences can do that. I did actually start three separate blog posts during those two weeks, but none of them went anywhere. I’ve been writing, yes, but mostly frivolous stuff and it hasn’t felt like I’ve had much to really say. Odd, right? Don’t I always have something to say, often too much of it? Haha.
Grief is such a funny thing. Sometimes grief triggers are expected, sometimes they feel like grief grenades that come out of nowhere and completely flatten you. Sometimes there are just twinges, vaguely acknowledged but not necessarily interfering with your day to day. But it’s always there, lurking under the surface, carried with you. And any sort of triggers seem to bring up all the grief. Compounded grief can be a beast sometimes.
Last weekend someone asked me how I was doing, and when I said I was doing well they asked again, “But how are you really doing?” You know, in that moment I did feel great. I was around friends (people!) and was generally feeling good. Still, that answer may have popped out a bit too glibly, without my really examining how was I doing? Have I been doing well?
A few things that happened on Sunday made me realize I was feeling more stressed than I’d been tuned in to, or admitted even to myself. Do you have similar times, where you know there’s a lot going on but you feel like you’re still treading water fairly well, except then the thought of adding something else to your load makes you feel panicky? Yeah, that feeling. And once I started to think about it, I realized that my recent sleep and eating habits should have been clear indicators I probably wasn’t handling all of the stress as well as I should have. Or could have. I’ve been finding it difficult to motivate myself in the morning, to want to go to work, to be on time to things (that’s really not like me), to, well, engage I suppose.
I was in a weird headspace there between the two year anniversary and then Easter right after. Holidays are hard, and we are still in this year of firsts without Mom. I’ve just felt…off, emotionally. I suppose that’s understandable, all things considered. There have also been some hard things with kids, plus the anniversary this past week of not only my worst miscarriage but also the due date of another child I ended up miscarrying in a traumatic way (yes, they coincided, super awesome). This particular week in April has been difficult for me for several years, although last year it was overshadowed by hitting the year mark and then other challenging things that were happening at the time.
Even my parent’s anniversary earlier this week brought up some tender feelings and memories. Overall it has felt that there have been more grief triggers this past month than I had experienced in a while, and despite being invited to things and having options, when it came down to it I just…didn’t go. For a few weeks, at least. And I paid for it. (I do realize how melodramatic that sounds, oh poor me that I wasn’t being social for a few weeks, but spending too much time on my own really isn’t good for me and my mental health.) I was especially lonely, but going out felt like too much effort. I know, I know, that’s usually when I need to be around people the most.
Because here’s the thing, it does help me to be around people. A lot. I feel so much better after I’ve gotten out and interacted with other adults. I’m grateful to be invited and included in events where I feel welcome. Two weeks ago I attended a widow/widower temple trip, and luncheon before, and it was sooooo good for me. Being in the temple, of course, but also being around other people. Since then I’ve attended a dance, my book club, a wedding reception (with more dancing!), played handbells, volunteered at the elementary school, met friends for a different lunch and another for dinner. It’s all been good medicine for me, along with intentionally having one on one time with each of my children. Not to mention we had a birthday in all of that too! It’s crazy to think that I now have three teenagers, and one about to graduate from high school. !!!!
And what about finally feeling some spring weather! I wouldn’t have considered myself to suffer from seasonal affective disorder, but wow, has this been a hard winter for me. Hard physically, hard emotionally, and overall hard with grief. Understandable, but it was shocking how much a little sunshine and warmth has buoyed up my mood. (I was bouncing and could not stop smiling that first warm, sunshiny day. There may have also been some more spontaneous break out in singing going on here lately.)
There’s still a lot going on, but I am feeling more sure-footed now. I’m once again (still?) making space to feel and process through my emotions. I’m trying to be better at clueing in to my body and what it needs. I’m making the most of times with friends and enjoying getting to meet new people. And I’m counting down the days until this school year will be finished!
