What a blessing to have been studying Doctrine and Covenants 121 this past week. Yes, I love the Lord’s comforting words to Joseph Smith of “peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.” I know that this incredibly difficult year of “smelting” will indeed pass, and all things considered will be but a small moment in my story.
Despite all that, the verses that really stood out to me this time were 9 and 10:
“Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
“Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.”
I can’t imagine having all of my friends and family turn against me. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father continually uses other people to support me through experiences that seemed impossible, people who have carried me or come up with ideas or prayed for me and my family and quite literally helped us survive this past year. And not once has a neighbor, friend, or family member implied that I might have brought these trials down upon myself because of sin. I may have doubted myself a bit this week, wondering if perhaps I was just too stubborn or hard-headed to learn a lesson that the Lord might be trying to teach me. Questioning if that was why these trials keep happening, over and over and over again?
I don’t really think that’s how Heavenly Father works. Certainly He respects our agency. While it is true that I sometimes (all too often?) do things the hard way, I know that Heavenly Father allows for my mistakes and falls and fails and can make something beautiful from any trial. At least, in how I can grow and change. (The trial itself might still be pretty terrible – not trying to invalidate that.) Really there’s no question that I am continuing to grow and change, hopefully overall for the better.
The thought that has kept coming back to me throughout this week was how carefully the Lord has prepared me throughout my life to be here in this moment, with these demands and challenges and the load(s) I am being asked to carry. I was reading through more of my old journals from high school and college, and there were so many instances where things did not turn out as I had planned, but looking back on them now I can clearly see the Lord’s hand and the evidence of His perfect timing. Some of them quite miraculous, things with schooling, marriage, children….so many things that did not happen as I had wanted but ended up being exactly what I would need, when I would need it.
Certainly Heavenly Father knew what I and my family would one day face. He knows what I will still encounter. And while I would never choose to go through things like flooding and health challenges and financial worries, even in this past week there were so many examples of how “God is in the details of the details of the details” of my life. I came across this quote by Ezra Taft Benson that seemed to perfectly sum up how I feel right now:
“I work as hard as I can, and I try my best to be obedient so that the Lord knows I am mindful of Him. Then I have the faith that He will make up the difference between what I am able to do, and what I am not able to do. And He does.”
He truly does, EVERY TIME. Why is it so hard to remember that in the middle of the crisis? Why is it so hard to step back and trust? I do consciously and deliberately choose faith, again and again, but it is still hard for me to admit I need help. To acknowledge that I don’t have to, really shouldn’t keep trying to, do everything on my own. I was reminded this week that I do have people who are willing to help, that the Lord is aware of me and my family and what we need. That He has blessed me with connections and relationships with people who can help make up that difference between what I am able to do, and what I am not able to do. That this is not only OK, it’s an actual blessing from God. And I need to curb my pride to recognize that, and quell my insecurities and fears around not wanting to be a burden on others.
Again, still being smelted here, on this seven month deathiversary. Still learning from my mistakes, moving forward with faith, and trusting that “if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”
