Today is National Widow’s Day (not to be confused with International Widow’s Day, which is June 23). Even though our family has at times been all about celebrating unusual and lesser-known holidays, I can’t say I’m particularly loving being qualified to celebrate this one.
I saw someone post this today, and while I wanted to share it I need to first preface this by saying that I have not independently fact-checked everything in here (although there are some things I know for certain are true):
National Widow’s Day is May 3
Did you know… 800,000 people are widowed each year?
Did you know… 700,000 of those are women? Did you know… most widows live in poverty? (Over 115 million world wide)
Did you know… “death of a spouse” is listed as the #1 stressor on the stress index scale and is considered one of life’s most devastating events?
Did you know… 60% of those who lose a spouse or significant other will experience a serious illness within 12 months?
Did you know… insomnia is one of the most common symptoms for a grieving spouse?
Did you know… most widow(er)s lose 75% of their support base when their spouse dies? Did you know… after 3 – 4 months most of the remaining support fades for a widow(er)?
Did you know… most widow(er)s lose touch with their in-laws within a year of a loss?
Did you know… it really is possible to die of a broken heart? Widow(er)s have a 30% elevated risk of death in the first 6 months after their spouse death. I (like others) did lose many relationships along my journey. But I gained some stronger friends as well.
Be nice to a widow today, you have no idea what they deal with privately.
Some of those facts are sobering, if not downright shocking. It’s true that the mortality rate for widow(er)s is much higher than the general population. And I know of MANY widows who are in some very dire straights when it comes to living in poverty or not having any sort of support network.
So yes, loss of a spouse is indeed “the #1 stressor on the stress index” (I had previously read the article on this from Dartmouth), rated well above things like serving jail time, divorce, death of a(nother) close family member, home foreclosure or loss, getting fired, etc. That doesn’t mean those things can’t feel beyond difficult when we experience them, of course. We don’t ever know what a person deals with privately. Even me, despite my having been quite open about many things on Meal Train. I certainly have struggles and challenges that no one besides God truly knows or understands. Really, that’s the case for everyone. But I can’t help but feel grateful for the fact that I DO still have amazing and present friends in my life, and an incredibly supportive family (both my “family of origin” and the wonderful family I married into), and that my own little family has not been forced into poverty because of Kendall’s death.
I know that I am not an “expert” at any of this, I never claimed to be. But in recognizing how blessed I have been it has made me want to pay it forward, particularly to other widows. It’s an honor to be able to lend support to someone else, in ways that I simply would not have been capable of without having these life experiences.
There’s a quote from @mysweetaddiction I love, that seems to articulate some of those things for me. “The trauma and pain I experienced in my life didn’t necessarily make me stronger. I am still quite fragile at times. It made me softer, more compassionate, and more empathetic to others and their struggles. We need not use strength as what always defines us survivors, but softness and kindness sometimes instead.”
I have long self-identified as “strong,” not so much in physical ability but in my determination to handle hard things and overcome challenges. But I have come to appreciate the softening, and especially the increased compassion, that can develop from trauma and trials. I KNOW it’s made me a better person.
