I am willing to admit that being patient has never been a strength of mine. Even so, in looking back I can see how much progress I have made with this particular virtue over the past two years. (OK, there may be some people reading this who are now laughing at that, because I’m far from perfect with this, but I HAVE gotten better!) The concept of having patience is becoming synonymous for me with trust. I don’t think I ever realized before how much personal agency was involved in developing patience, and how closely it was tied to faith. When it comes to my life now, I am choosing to trust in the process and plan that God has for me. I will allow (and embrace) the becoming, as well as exercise faith that there are good things to come while still acknowledging the good there is in THIS part of my story.
Neal A. Maxwell said that, “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance.” Oh, I like that. Rather than chafing against the things I cannot control, the circumstances I would never have chosen, I am given a front-row seat to the “unfolding purposes of God” for not only my life, but also the privilege of seeing my children’s life journeys unfold.
There are many things with which I am learning to have patience. Or at least trying to. Patience with healing, and with the sometimes maddeningly slow process of reclaiming “myself” bit by bit. Patience sitting with those waves of grief that WILL wash over me, and my family. Choosing to exercise patience, and to trust, that there will eventually come a time when I will once again be able to say yes to things that were previously important to me but have felt impossible during this season. Patience with myself and my human limitations. Patience with watching my children find and forge their own paths.
Patience with accepting it is OK that traditions that were once a part of our family culture have had to be done away with or at least put on hold. I would even venture to say that there may eventually come a day when those bins of holiday decorations will again be pulled out and make an appearance in our home. There will, at some point, likely be more Easter decorations out and up than just the Easter creche that is in the background of this picture.
I do think there will come a time when I can once again competently go grocery shopping without getting overwhelmed, and consistently cook meals for my family, and read anything I want to, and remember things and stop losing my keys all. the. TIME. (Sheesh!) And my yard will be put back together someday. And and and… So very many things, but they will come. I am already continually discovering new ways that I feel more like “me.” It’s wonderful.
There is such a sense of peace and contentedness that comes with choosing patience. I am “still” more often (even with all of the extra busy-ness and new demands on my time that are a part of my life now), better able to hear the voice of the Spirit, and be present in the moment rather than always rushing ahead to the next thing. I still have a long way to go with this, but yes, I am making progress.
