I am really appreciating this week between Christmas and New Year’s as a time of introspection. I think I finally feel ready to leave 2021 behind. I wasn’t before, as it felt like a tether to Kendall I wasn’t yet willing to sever. I’m finding myself more and more looking forward to the future, though, rather than constantly feeling trapped in the past (but still learning from it).
Yes, I’m hopeful that 2022 won’t have as many intense trials for our family that 2021 did, but who knows? No, there are other things I hope to leave behind in 2021. Things like any resistance to letting myself grieve, as fully and as often as necessary, that may be stalling my healing. Or the belief that I should be able to do this on my own, that I am not doing enough when I know I am trying, I’m just human. Also any feelings of resentment or recrimination that I may have been harboring. Does it surprise you to hear me admit that?
I’ve been pondering the concept of forgiveness a lot lately. We hear of amazing stories like people who are able to forgive the drunk driver who killed their entire family, or forgiving tormentors from the Holocaust, and so on. Certainly I don’t have such extreme examples like those in my life. But in all of the “what if” scenarios surrounding Kendall’s illness and death, it’s been difficult to get past some of the human errors that happened with medical staff at the hospital. Some of them pretty big, with disastrous and far-reaching implications (and things I haven’t shared publicly but are seared into my memory). Would Kendall’s ultimate outcome have been different without those mistakes? Maybe not, but it’s hard to not get stuck on the idea that he would have been spared some pain without them. I usually find it fairly easy to forgive people who wrong me, but when it is one of my family members who is hurt then I really struggle with it. So yes, I’m acknowledging that some regrettable mistakes were made, but I don’t want to become bitter. I’m working through it and learning how I can turn all of that over to Jesus, let him carry the burden of those feelings and experiences, praying for the help and strength to do so.
And even more importantly, I want to forgive myself. For things recent and in my past that I may have been carrying unnecessarily. This one is also much, much harder than forgiving someone else who has wronged me. No question that I am my toughest critic, that I can sometimes hold myself to an unrealistic standard. So I’m putting in the work to recognize, and change, any harmful thought patterns about myself that may have become ingrained over the years.
I of course will carry baggage from 2021 with me as we start 2022, but in many ways it does feel like a clean start. That leads me to the word I have chosen to focus on next year: EMBRACE. I have considered many, many words, but this is the one I keep coming back to. It will be a process, but I want to learn to fully embrace my life, my purpose, my role as a mother, friend, daughter, therapist and breadwinner, and most especially as a child of God. Even my challenges and trials, if possible, as I can appreciate how they help me to grow. To me the word “embrace” embodies a sense of welcoming, thriving, so much more than just a simple acceptance or being resigned to something.
So. I hope to embrace this season of grieving, of healing, of rediscovery and redefining. And hand in hand with the concept of forgiveness is certainly that of repentance. I am so grateful that repentance allows me to truly make 2022 my clean start. Happy New Year!
(And goodness, I’m not referring to any huge and egregious sins that I have not yet repented of. But I am learning to better recognize the ways that I do not act in a Christlike way toward myself, and that’s a place to start.)
