I have literally started four different blog posts within the last 48 hours. I kept thinking of new things I wanted to write about as I listened to different talks during General Conference. (Because woohoo, it was once again General Conference weekend! Yes, we’ve been smack in the middle of another round of the Conference store, special Conference snacks, the traditional “Conference meal” hosted at Dad’s house, and best of all, some great messages from our Church leaders. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/broadcasts?lang=eng) This is the topic I keep landing back on, though.
This isn’t only influenced by General Conference, not fully prompted by Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the Saturday afternoon session yesterday, even if it did really resonate with me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AEiiYjA_YA). It’s something that’s been building for several months now, maybe years even. I knew I was going to address this in a blog post at some point.
I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago that deeply impacted me. I don’t think they have any idea how much of a wake up call it was for me, how since then it has caused me to do some serious soul-searching, a decent amount of humbling, and really question where I have been focusing my time and efforts lately. I’ve since devoted a lot of time to studying and praying about this topic in order to determine if I needed to be making some changes in my life.
The subject of stay-at-home moms came up, and I was completely caught off guard by what a knee-jerk emotional response I had. Part of me felt defensive, like I needed to somehow justify not only the fact that I had a full-time job, but to explain (to whom exactly?) why that job has taken so much of my focus and time and energy these past two years. It wasn’t like I was being accused of anything, or even being told that what I was doing was somehow wrong (I mean hello, I am a solo parent of four children who need to be financially taken care of, that’s just my reality). And I do enjoy my work. I’m good at it, and I know that many people’s lives have been bettered because of it. I’m able to use my talents in some impactful ways. It’s also been self-gratifying to have created a successful business, to be seeing the dividends of that.
But the truth is that I never wanted to, or intended to, work outside of my home after I was married and had children. I knew I could, I was absolutely more than capable of being successful in the workforce, but it was my choice not to. My mother never worked outside of our home (although she did teach piano lessons for most of my life). She was a talented homemaker and was able to be involved in my and my siblings’ lives in a hands on way that she couldn’t have if she’d been working full-time elsewhere. So when, exactly, did my commitment to putting family above all else (except God) change?
The answer to that is complicated. Before we had children I was finishing the schooling and other licensing requirements that felt so important at the time (and aren’t we glad now that I did!). Then I worked part-time while Kendall was going to school. Once he had a full-time job that could support our family, I did make that transition to being home full-time. I did keep my practicing license current, and did some odd things on the side like teaching piano lessons, doing the shipping for Dad’s scripture mastery business, and making it my “job” to work on stopping the money from going out (and wow, was I good at it!), since I wasn’t necessarily bringing money in. But my main focus was on and at home. Kenny and I were a good team, and it worked for us. I devoted my time to my husband, to countless library trips, teaching a co-op preschool, reading stories, volunteering at the elementary school, elaborate but oh so fun holiday traditions, learning to can, becoming a freezer meal and meal planner extraordinaire, and focusing on raising our small children.
That changed when C was about three, though. I was at a professional conference earning some continuing education credits (still keeping that license current), and I had a strong impression that I should speak with the owner of a then small private practice down in Utah County. It turned out that she was looking to hire her first employee, and it somehow felt right to accept the job. It didn’t make sense. I was pregnant at the time, and while it seemed exciting to get to “use my brain” for non-mommy things for a few hours a week, I likely would have to stop when the baby was born.
Little did I know that a few weeks in to that new job I would lose the baby, and be plunged into a horrible depression. That for the next while going to work was the only thing I was able to force myself to do, the only place I felt somewhat successful. Or that I would gain invaluable experience that would help me when I was later prompted to start my own private practice. That I would need those five following years before Kendall died to get my fledgling business to a place where I could easily step in to doing it full-time when I needed to.
I can’t say I advise this for other people, but for me, work has been an important part of my grieving and healing process. After Kendall died I felt an urgency to not only go back to seeing clients (which I did only two weeks post-loss), but to really focus on building that business into a full-time practice. I don’t question that revelation, even though working so hard on my business did come at a cost. In many ways I think that it saved me, though, doing therapy once again forcing me out of bed when it would have been so easy to just…not. And once again it helped me to feel successful when so many areas of my life were seemingly out of control (or not just seemingly, they really were out of control). Within that therapy space, I knew what I was supposed to do. Things made sense. My brain somehow felt clearer, and I was able to muster up the needed energy to do the task ahead of me.
Except far too often, when I’ve finished a full day of working, I have had nothing left. That’s been especially true since I had Covid. An iron deficiency and low Vitamin D and weird medication side effects and poor sleeping habits haven’t helped either. There have been times since last June when it’s been difficult to even make it up the stairs to join my children for dinner, and my brain has then seemed to completely shut down.
Surely I can still be a homemaker even while needing to work to support my family. I do believe that. And no one is questioning that I love and am committed to my children. I have made great efforts to be there for and with them.
I have limited reserves, though, of time and energy especially. What if I didn’t have to work? Would I still choose to? I am so grateful for the doors that have been opened for me with starting and growing my business. There have been a lot of things that have come together in truly miraculous ways. I’ve appreciated the flexibility of my job, and the many ways I have grown and things I have learned, people I’ve been able to help. It’s a rewarding career.
But it’s time now for a change.
Oh, I’m not closing my practice or anything. But more and more I’ve been feeling a pull to be focusing more on my home and family. I want to be a stay-at-home mom again, to extend those reserves of time and energy toward my family. I’ve had a phrase keep coming to mind, one that a social worker told me when Kendall was admitted to the ICU and I was debating if I was needed more at the hospital or at home or if I should be continuing to see clients. She said, “You don’t get this time back.” It was that comment that made me decide to drop everything and put all my energy and efforts into being there in that hospital with Kendall, advocating for him, being so involved in his daily care. And because of that, I have no regrets about that time spent with him. I know that I did absolutely everything I could to help him. I know he fought hard to be able to stay with me, with our family. I needed that time to be able to get to a place where I could then let him go. Despite the trauma of those weeks, there were beautifully sacred moments too that are so precious to me now. I didn’t get that time back, but I did take the time when I had it.
The same thing is true with my children now. I don’t get this time back. They need me now. They don’t just need my left-over efforts after work, they need my best efforts. Except how can I possibly be a stay-at-home mother, not work, when I am still financially responsible for supporting this family?
I don’t have all of the answers yet, but as I’ve been walking forward in faith ways have been opening up. I’ve been able to hire new clinicians (and am still looking to hire more if anyone knows of an SLP who would want a part-time job working at a great clinic!) and have them take over more and more of my therapy sessions. I’m going to be available to give A the intense care she will need after her surgery in June. I’ll be able to spend concentrated one-on-one time with C, and drive M and D to their various events and jobs this summer. I have grand hopes about finally being able to get back on top of our home and schedules and create a more peaceful, orderly environment here (although we know what happened when I had those aspirations last summer, too, ha!).
I know, life will still be busy. It will still continue to throw me curve balls I can’t begin to predict. But I’m reprioritizing some things in my life and it feels good. More than good. Right. It feels like it’s finally time to reclaim that part of myself, here at two years out. I’m ready to more fully engage with my family, even as that may mean disengaging some from work. I’m hopeful and grateful and just plain excited about this next chapter. Honestly, summer can’t come fast enough!
I do want to be very clear about something before I close, though. All mothers work. Hard. Working outside of the home does not make a woman any less devoted to her family or in any way a subpar or less invested parent. Of course not! I’m not trying to imply that my answer for my family, at this stage now, is the right one for anyone else. But it is that. My answer. I’ve received that revelation that I need to be reprioritizing things in my own life and focusing more on my home and family. And I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is once again paving the way for me to be able to do just that.
(You earned some serious bonus points if you made it to the end of this post. It was a long one!)
