Why is it usually so uncomfortable to talk about financial matters? I don’t think it should be – it’s just money. And yet so much worry and concern and anxiety is often focused around it. Funny enough, as I’ve been dealing with astronomical bills, money no longer holds the same meaning for me that it once did. It has almost started to seem like I must be dealing with Monopoly money, or the totally unrealistic action cards in the game of Life (if only someone really would pay me $50,000 for baking the prize-winning pie at the county fair; and seriously, why would it cost $20,000 to get your dog groomed?).
The truth is, we’ve been living off of these donations that people have so generously gifted us. I haven’t been able to work at all in March while Kendall has been so critical in the ICU, and I’m not sure how many hours I’ll be able to work in the future as Kendall’s caregiver. Kendall was also recently terminated as an employee when his Family Medical Leave Act ran out in February, which meant we lost all of our benefits and are paying a lot more in health insurance premiums and expenses than we were before.
Because did you know that financial assistance programs like Medicaid count donations as income? (That’s right – the IRS doesn’t tax me on them, but I’m required to count them as income for Medicaid and other financial assistance programs.) That’s why we’ve recently made a few changes so that our family won’t be penalized for receiving donations that help us pay these huge bills and living expenses. As long as money doesn’t go through my bank account I’m fine (so I’m not penalized for cash donations I don’t deposit in my bank, either).
On the advice of the financial advisor at Huntsman and a Medicaid case worker, my sister Christine Anderson has now set up a bank account in her name where all Meal Train donations will be deposited. (If she electronically gives me the actual money I have to count it as income, but not if she directly pays bills for me.) She also set up a Venmo account that is linked to that bank account (@HelpSawyerFamily). I’m so grateful for Meal Train, for multiple reasons, but be aware they have recently changed who processes their transactions and they now take a 10% cut of all donations from that site.
Sorry if that made you squirm, talking so bluntly about money. I just know there have been several people who have asked recently about making a donation, but who also didn’t want that to make us ineligible for future assistance. And yes, we do have some pretty big needs right now. We have always been so frugal and careful to live within our means, but ironically that is now hurting us as we do not have a lot of debt and we had some savings when this started (now used toward medical bills). I fully realize there may be a time when we will have to declare medical bankruptcy, but I’m incredibly proud that our only current debt is our mortgage (of course, the insurance company is only up through October 2020 so far in processing Kendall’s claims, so we know we have a lot of bills still coming). I’m certainly going to do everything I can to make sure we aren’t officially bankrupt at the end of all this, and that my family is provided for.
K, now that that business is taken care of, here’s the latest update on Kendall. There hasn’t been a lot of change. Kendall is still on the ventilator. He is unable to cognitively follow directions for the necessary breathing tests to be taken off the ventilator, so the team will be discussing next steps tomorrow in rounds. He has had more internal bleeding, although thus far they have been able to keep it under control. They tried the intermittent dialysis machine today but Kendall was not able to tolerate it (blood pressure dropped really low even on higher than advised levels of pressors), so tomorrow he will be put back on the continuous dialysis (CRRT) machine.
Meanwhile, I’m incredibly tired. Feeling worn out. This has been a hard week, both with long days (every day) spent at the hospital, but also dealing with medical issues and doctors appointments and procedures for multiple children, and then concern for my mom (surgery is tomorrow). I thought I was doing so well with self care and managing my emotional health, but Sunday was a real setback for me. I’ve been having nocturnal panic attacks again since then, but I’m trying to take the steps I need to get back on track. I’ve been surprised what a blow this has all been.
I guess that’s just life. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just “check off” that I’ve already put in the time to learn good coping skills? Instead, it looks like this is something I’ll need to work on every single day. So many things are like that. I can’t just eat healthy, or exercise, or read scriptures, or pray, one time and then “check it off” out of my life. I’m not sure why I expected this to be any different. Especially while I am still constantly living with high stress situations and THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT. So maybe for now it’s enough to say that I AM doing it, day after day, albeit messily and imperfectly. As well as acknowledge the divine help I am continuously receiving that allows me to do so. Because seriously, the stressors that keep piling up are absolutely INSANE.
